A Ranma Nibunnoichi FanFic by Captain Exposition

Standard Threats and Reminders: No characters from Ranma 1/2 belong to me. I didn’t make ‘em. But Rumiko Takahashi did, and they belong to her or whomever she sold the rights to. So, if you the reader are one of her lawyers, please don’t sue me. I can’t pay you, as I am a student, which means I’m broke. However, the character Rei the ninja is mine, and cannot appear in anything I don’t put her in unless you ask me first. Captain Exposition sez! Also, this story may be reprinted, as long as you credit the author (me), print this warning, and make sure to cut me in on any profits. (Kidding! Kidding!) Obey these commands, or suffer the wrath of the author (me)! In the name of Moonies, I will punish you! ^_^

Fueled by such dreadful thoughts, Genma rolled over and pulled the blanket back to see with whom he shared a bed. It was not who he had expected. With a jaw-cracking yawn, Soun Tendo stretched and said, still half asleep, "Ah, good morning Saotome."

Soun rolled over to reach for his shirt. Halfway there, his brain sparked and started up. A huge sweat drop appeared on the back of his head. Without a word, he rolled back over to stare at Saotome, who was staring blankly back at him, an uncomprehending, or rather an unbelieving expression on his face. Slowly, Soun said, " Saotome? What are you..?"

A pregnant pause followed. Then, as it sometimes will, the events of the night before began to rush back to the two men. Looks of realization, then disbelief, then horror crossed the men’s faces in rapid succession. All color drained from Tendo’s face. Genma make a choked squeaking sound in the back of his throat. Both men looked under the blanket, confirming the fact that they were both naked. This time, the sounds that issued from them were not muted or choked off at all.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!" Ranma, Nabiki, Shampoo, Ukyou, and Cologne looked up from their vigil at Kasumi’s bedside at the sound of the twin bellows from down the hall. Ranma and Nabiki looked at one another and said simultaneously, "My Dad must have woken up…your dad too…" Without another word, they leaped to their feet and raced down the hall, followed closely by Ukyou and Cologne. Kasumi just snored and murmured happily in her still slightly pickled sleep.

The scene that greeted the four of them when they reached the bedroom of Soun Tendo was one of chaos. The bed was a shambles, with pillows and blankets hurled against one wall. The scent of sake permeated the room. And in the middle of the room was Soun, dressed in a white robe. He was leaning over a small wooden block with a gleaming tanto in his hands. At their approach, he looked up, tears streaming down his face. "Goodbye my Nabiki," He said, "You’re foolish father has done the memory of your mother a great disservice. I will go now to join her." As Ranma dashed into the room and began to wrestle with the hysterical man for the knife, Nabiki sighed and shook her head despairedly. "Oh Daddy, not again…"

After subduing the sobbing man (read: took away the knife and tied him to the bedpost with a sheet), Ranma exhaled heavily and dusted off his hands. Looking at Nabiki, he said, "Okay, he’s safe. Try and explain what really happened while I go and find my idiot father." Nabiki nodded and sat down next to her weeping father, making what she hoped were comforting noises. Ukyou glanced at Ranma and said, "I’ll go with you Ran-chan. He may be trying something stupid." After a moments thought, she added, "More stupid than usual, that is." The two ran off to search the house. Cologne sighed and hopped back towards Kasumi’s room, saying, "I’ll go and keep an eye on Kasumi. I’ll need to give her some sake as soon as she wakes up. She can’t go long without alcohol in her system…"

After a few minutes of fruitless searching, Ukyou glanced out through the kitchen window. Unable to help from chuckling, she called to Ranma to come over. "Ranma honey, come take a look at this…" Curious, Ranma came over and peered over her shoulder. At his close contact with her, Ukyou felt a sudden urge to begin giggling like a common school girl. He smelled so good…but then reality reinserted itself, and she reminded herself that this was no time for that. To take her mind off of Ranma’s smell, his muscular chest rubbing against her shoulder, she looked back out the window.

Ranma snickered. Kneeling in nothing but his bandana and a white loincloth, an obviously hysterical Genma was preparing to douse himself with buckets of icy cold water while trying to recite a Shinto prayer of cleansing between moans and shivers. Ranma winked at Ukyou and tiptoed over to the kitchen door. Nodding his head at her in a signal for her to follow, he slowly opened the door to avoid creaks and slipped out into the yard. Making all the noise of a breeze moving over a field, the two martial artists crept up behind Genma. Just as he poured the bucket over his head, turning into a panda, Ranma bounced a spare bucket off of his tortured father’s head, and said in a mocking tone, "You pig."

Genma whipped around, amazing Ranma and Ukyou with tears running down his fuzzy cheeks. Sneezing loudly, he held up a sign reading, <Ranma my son, don’t torment your father in his time of misery…AHCHOO! >

Muttering "Why write ‘ahchoo’ on a sign?", Ukyou dumped a kettle of hot water she had brought from the kitchen over the miserable panda’s head. Bopping his near-naked father over the head, Ranma teasingly said, "You beast! How could you take advantage of that poor man in his time of woe?" Genma groaned inarticulately and began drawing another bucket of cold water. Ukyou kicked it from his hands with an, "Oh no you don’t…" Ranma blocked his father’s avenue to the tap, saying, "Relax Pops. For once, I honestly have to admit that this wasn’t your fault."

Tears streaming down his face anew, Genma clutched Ranma’s leg piteously, and sobbed, "My son’s forgiveness! Sweeter words I’ve never heard!" Ranma danced around in a panic, trying to shake his groveling father loose. "Hey..! Get off!"

Twenty minutes and several blows to their heads later, Soun, who had finally been calmed down by Nabiki, and Genma seemed to have a fair grasp of the situation at hand. Nevertheless, they sat as far from one another as possible. "…And that’s how it is." Concluded Nabiki. She glanced at her father and Mr. Saotome. Soun was silently shedding copious tears, over what, Nabiki wasn’t sure. Genma merely shook his head grimly. Ranma leaned against the wall, quietly conferring with Ukyou. As Nabiki concluded her narrative, he summed up the whole situation. "This all gets sorted out once Akane comes back."

*****

At that time, Akane was staring down at the fiercest foe she had ever faced. A pile of raw food, waiting to be cooked. Standing next to her, Rei pushed her glasses up onto the bridge of her nose and said, "Okay Akane, just make whatever you feel like cooking. It’s totally up to you." Akane nodded nervously and answered, "H-hai…I’ll do my best." Rei nodded satisfactorily, looked over the foodstuffs one last time to make sure all was in it’s place, then sat down at the small dining table, taking on a relaxed pose. With a smile for Akane, she said, "Go to it girl. Show me what you’ve got."

After thirty-two minutes of frenzied activity, Akane plunked down a large plate of an unidentifiable green and brown mass before Rei, her expression hopeful. Rei looked down at the plate with ill-concealed worry. "Akane…this looks…interesting." Akane felt her heart plummet. People always called her food interesting, usually right before they succumbed to food poisoning. Well, she was extra careful this time. Maybe just this once…

Rei picked up a pair of chopsticks and pulled a chunk of the strange thing on the plate loose from the main glob. After a millisecond of worry, she popped the bite into her mouth and swallowed. Akane looked on hopefully. But her hope turned to horror as Rei wordlessly fell face-forward into the plate, completely unconscious. As Akane reached forward to shake her friend, Rei jumped to her feet, drawing her combat ladle in a smooth motion. Pointing at Akane, she spluttered, "I thought we were friends!" Akane stared at her. "We are friends."

Rei wiped the greenish goo from her face as she demanded, "Then why did you just try to poison me?!" But Rei’s anger dissipated as she watched Akane’s face crumple into an expression of hopelessness and misery. Her eyes, brimful with tears, met Rei’s for a moment before she sank to her knees and began to sob. Rei murmured fervently under her breath, "I take it that was the wrong thing to say."

*****

Ranma, Nabiki and Ukyou discussed possible plans with Soun and Genma, who almost seemed back to normal. Ranma unconsciously glanced towards Kasumi’s room. Cologne had gone to sit by the poisoned girl’s bed to wait for her to wake up so she could give her some sake. If Kasumi sobered up, she would die…the situation was almost too bizarre for even Ranma to take in stride. Well, he thought, at least we can keep things in hand with Cologne here. If anyone can handle a drunk Kasumi, it’s her… Or so he thought.

The five in Soun’s rumpled bedroom looked up as a drunken giggle came from the hall, followed by Kasumi’s slightly slurred voice. "Oh Daddeeeeee…are you in here? Is your <hic> party over already?" Ranma and Nabiki exchanged a horrified glance while Ukyou desperately tried to distract Soun. All three of them knew that Soun would be completely incapacitated if he saw his precious eldest daughter drunk. One Tendo in need of constant attention was bad enough, but two? From the hall came the sound of Cologne’s harried voice. "Child, come back here! How did you do that?" Ranma stared at Ukyou. Kasumi had gotten by Cologne? How was that possible? Ranma dashed into the hall to deal with the situation.

In the hall, Ranma was confronted with a bizarre scene. Kasumi was walking somewhat unsteadily towards him, dressed in the same clothes from the day before, a half-empty bottle of Genma’s special sake in her hand. From behind her, Cologne hopped frantically after her while trying to wipe sake from her eyes. Kasumi squinted at Ranma, obviously just noticing him. Ranma stared at her, utterly immobilized by the sight of a rumpled, drunken Kasumi. The sloshed girl said to him, "Ranma-kun…is my daddy in there? I have to talk to him…"

Roused out of his stupor by the sound of Nabiki and Ukyou frantically trying to distract Soun from looking into the hall, Ranma tried to go about stopping Kasumi diplomatically. He cautiously said, "Kasumi, that…ah…might not be the best idea just now…maybe later…" Kasumi smiled and stood in a strange stance, which looked a little too much like a back-leg Shaolin stance for Ranma’s tastes. "Ranma-kun," She said, her eyes taking on a completely un-Kasumi-like craftiness, "You shouldn’t be trying to stop a girl from speaking with her father. It’s very rude." Cologne hopped up, staying a few feet from Kasumi. This alone should’ve warned Ranma that something was very wrong. But, as is his manner, Ranma paid no attention to the fairly obvious signals. Cologne said, "Son-in-law, be careful. Kasumi has shown some very disturbing traits. For the kami’s sake, keep out of her reach!"

Ranma looked at Cologne incredulously. "What?! Listen, Old Ghoul! This is Kasumi! She isn’t dangerous…" So saying, he stepped forwards, his intention being to place his hands on Kasumi’s shoulders in order to stop her. But instead of blocking her, something Ranma had never expected happened. Kasumi dodged. As he reached forwards and shifted his center of gravity, Kasumi stumbled to the left, seemingly tripping over her own feet. Ranma went past her cleanly as she took a clumsy step forwards. As a surprised Ranma went past her right side, she rocked back on her right heel and executed a perfect reverse elbow strike, hitting Ranma square in the middle of his back. With a meaty thwack, Ranma flew into the wall, leaving a Ranma-shaped impression in the plaster.

As Ranma slid down to flop over on his back, staring at Kasumi in disbelief, Kasumi planted both feet firmly on the ground, taking a long swig from her sake bottle. With a lusty belch, she laughed out loud and squinted down at Ranma. Placing both hands on her hips, she smirked unsteadily and said to the astounded boy, "That’ll teach you not to pick on a <hic> lady!" Ranma and Cologne watched silently, sweatdrops sliding down the backs of their heads, as Kasumi weaved drunkenly towards the bedroom. As she entered the room, Ranma scrambled to his feet and pursued her.

Ukyou had watched the scene in the hallway from Soun’s doorway. Understanding nothing of what had gone on save that Kasumi had hurt Ranma, the warrior-chef grimly drew her combat spatula from its resting-place across her back. Kasumi saw her in the doorway and halted. Looking at Ukyou through bleary eyes as she swayed unsteadily, Kasumi said, "Ukyou-san…please forgive my rudeness, but get out of my way you, little twerp!" Ukyou blinked and lowered her spatula in shock. Had Kasumi just called her a twerp? Kasumi smiled and raised her bottle and held it aloft as she swayingly lifted one leg into a crook before her, raising her free hand over her head in a traditional Drunken Fist position. In a slurred voice, she called out, "Drunken-Kasumi Special Attack: Pickled Swan!"

In one smooth motion, Kasumi’s upper body blurred forwards. Her bottle flew forwards, aiming right for Ukyou’s head. Only her reflexes saved her as Ukyou pulled her head back from the bottle. But the second blow, a fist strike from Kasumi’s empty hand, hit her square on the head, sending Ukyou to her knees. From behind her, she could hear Genma and Soun gasp. Slightly stunned by the surprisingly strong blow, Ukyou watched as Kasumi moved forwards into a perfect front Swan Stance, her right leg on the floor with her body parallel to the floor, her left leg straight out behind her. With a wink at Ukyou, Kasumi whipped backwards so her body was now parallel to the floor, with her back facing the ground. As she did this, her left leg swung forwards, her foot connecting solidly with Ukyou’s chin. With total mastery of the follow-through, Kasumi’s leg straightened out in an unbroken line with her body. Ukyou sailed backwards, lifted off of the ground by the kick, to crash into the opposite wall.

Ranma and Cologne entered the room to see Kasumi in her reversed Swan Stance, taking another swig from the sake. Ukyou groaned weakly from the corner she had landed in. Being careful to avoid coming too close to the drunken Tendo girl, he ran over to his old friend and lifted her into his lap, checking her head for injuries. Relieved, he turned to regard the scene before him.

Genma sat on the edge of the bed and gawked wordlessly, a sweatdrop rolling down his forehead. From the wall by the window, Nabiki stared at her drunken sister with an expression of utter horror and disbelief. Soun Tendo, however, was the amazing one. A broad smile covering his face, and he applauded warmly at Kasumi’s display, saying in an airy voice, "That’s my little girl! I always knew you had a knack for the Art! It runs in the family you know!" Sweatdrops slid down the heads of the others. Genma leaned forwards and waved a hand in front of Soun’s face, eliciting no reaction. "Just as I thought," He said, "completely oblivious. He must be in shock."

Ranma shook his head amazedly. This was even bizarre to him. Since when had Kasumi known any form of the Art? A low moan from Ukyou caused him to return his gaze to his oldest friend. Ukyou shifted weakly and slowly opened her eyes.

Ukyou had often dreamed of this moment. As consciousness returned, she opened her eyes to look up into Ranma’s concerned eyes from her position in his lap. Kasumi must have hit me harder than I expected, She thought to herself; I must be in Heaven… Ranma gazed at her worriedly with those beautiful gray eyes and asked, "Are you okay Ucchan?" Not one to pass up such an opportunity, Ukyou groaned theatrically and winced. "My forehead hurts…"

Ranma, fearing a concussion, held her head in both his hands and brought his face close to hers, looking into her eyes for signs of unnatural dilation. Ukyou’s heart felt like it was going to hammer clean out of her chest. He was so close…My God, but he’s handsome…She thought. Clutching his shirt with her hands, she stared deep into his eyes, his glorious eyes, and murmured his name. With surprise, she felt tears welling up in her eyes, and only partially from the two vicious blows she had been dealt. For the millionth time, she wondered why the fates were so cruel as to keep shoving him and Akane closer together. Ranma, taken aback by her expression and her tears, searched more quickly for the source of her pain. Visibly put out, he desperately tried to murmur an apology for whatever it was he had done. Ukyou sat up abruptly, sniffing and wiping away the tears standing in her eyes. "Its okay Ranma," She said, "That just hurt a bit more than I thought it would. You didn’t do anything."

Ranma became visibly relieved. Putting his arm around her in a friendly manner, he said, "Don’t scare me that way Ucchan." Leaning her head against his shoulder she said, "I’m sorry Ranma. I didn’t mean to scare you." In this position, one relieved, the other in turmoil, they watched the drama of Kasumi before them.

Having taken another swig of sake, Kasumi plopped down on the floor cross-legged before her dazed father and the visibly nervous Genma. Belching in a decidedly unladylike manner, she said in a blunt tone, "Daddy, we have to talk." Smiling understandingly, the oblivious Tendo patriarch nodded and said, "Of course my dear Kasumi. What is it?" In the same blunt tone, Kasumi said, "Daddy, for the past ten years I’ve run this household to the exclusion of anything else. Well, that has to be fixed a little." Soun raised an eyebrow, continuing to smile all the while, and asked, "Oh? How do you mean?"

Looking him in the eye, Kasumi frankly said, "I need a man, Daddy. Soon. Very soon." Everyone present except for Soun collapsed to the ground. Soun nodded agreeably and said, "Of course you do my dear. Do you hear that Saotome? My little Kasumi wants to go on a date." Kasumi smiled and said, "No, no Daddy, you don’t quite get it. What I want is…" Here she leaned forwards and whispered something in Soun’s ear. When she finished, Soun, who was finally recovering from his state of obliviousness made a sort of keening noise in the back of his throat. His eyes rolled back in his head and he tipped backwards onto the bed, twitching spasmodically.

Ukyou sat up and weakly rubbed her abused forehead. "I’m impressed he made it as long as he did…" She murmured. Ranma dragged himself to his feet and looked at Kasumi. The girl hardly looked drunk now despite the large amount of alcohol she had consumed this morning alone, not to mention the distinctly pickled way she had been acting mere minutes earlier. What was going on? Kasumi returned his stare, making him blink in surprise. To him, she said, "And you, Ranma. You are going to have to help out a bit more. All of you are, in fact."

Nabiki looked at her elder sister suspiciously. "Just what do you mean Sis?" Kasumi smiled sweetly at the younger girl and said, "Well Nabiki, as I said, I’ve run this house for ten years without a break. And now that I have the Drunken Power to help, I think it’s fair to ask the rest of you to pitch in a bit more."

From the doorway came Cologne’s voice. "That’s why I had the Alcohol Enhancer!" Everyone turned to look at her. Ranma growled, "Where have you been hiding, huh?" Cologne waved away his question as Genma stepped away from Soun’s twitching form to ask, "Just what is this ‘Drunken Power’? I’ve heard of the Drunken Boxing school of kung-fu, but this is completely unlike anything I’ve ever seen."

Cologne nodded sagely and answered, "I would be impressed if you had ever seen it. The Drunken Power is a mostly intuitive and completely unpredictable style of combat available only to those who have flooded their systems with Alcohol Enhancer. But while it’s power is great, as Ms. Kuonji and my son-in-law can attest, it’s price is great, for as long as they wish to control the Drunken Power, they are a slave to the drug in their system, forced to stay in a perpetual state of drunkenness."

While everyone digested this, Kasumi looked around and said, "If you all want me to keep on helping out around here, you have to do me a few favors." Not liking the sound of that, Ranma glared suspiciously at the changed girl and said, "Ah, we don’t need to give in. We can do just fine without her, right?" Ukyou and Genma echoed, "Right!" Nabiki did as well, sounding decidedly less sure than the others. Cologne just shook her head.

**********20 Minutes Later**********

The Tendo home was filthy already, numerous holes showed through the walls, and no less than three grease fires burned merrily in the kitchen. A very dirty and dispirited Ranma, Ukyou and Genma knelt before Kasumi. While Genma enthusiastically groveled for mercy, utilizing the Art Of the Crouching Tiger to it’s utmost, Ranma said, "What do you want from us Kasumi? Whatever it is, we’ll do it." At his words, Kasumi smiled smugly and began to list off her demands. While the others recoiled in horror, Cologne once again shook her head in despair, glanced at the still unconscious Soun, and hopped out the window. I pray these three weeks go quickly, She thought, For if it does not, I will fear for even my own sanity. Where can that foolish Akane be?

*****

Rei glanced at Akane, who stood next to her at the cutting board. Once Rei had apologized for her rash words, Akane had quickly recovered. It turned out that the dish she had made was Huevos Rancheros, Akane Style (i.e. with vanilla ice cream, salami, and dehydrated egg substitute). Rei had politely swept the plate’s deadly load into a trash bag, waving away Akane’s apologies. Now, after taking a break to just sit and talk about nothing in particular, they had gotten down to training. Now they both wore armor plated aprons and headbands, as well as heavy kendo gloves and hockey masks. Glancing once more at Akane’s nervous face, Rei decided to start with the combat aspect.

Clearing her throat to get Akane’s attention, Rei began, "Okay Akane, let’s start at the beginning. The heart of all gourmet cooking is improvisation, a skill you have in profusion. But what separates a master cook from an amateur is the ability to know what to improvise with, and when and how to do it. That’s what you have to learn." Smiling at her, Rei squeezed Akane’s hand comfortingly. "The best way to learn is to apply it to something you do well. Which is a good thing, because both of those rules of cooking relate equally to the Anything-Goes School of the Kitchen Arts. The Kitchen Arts rely on the concepts of innovation, observation, and opposition." Akane blinked. "That sounds like the Saotome Secret Technique…" She murmured. Rei shrugged. "Branches off of the same tree."

Rei continued, "While the Kitchen Arts has a solid foundation, the higher levels of skill rely exclusively on the creativity of the practitioner. You will be required to create your own personal cadre of special techniques based on what you do best, as well as occasionally create a completely new technique on the spot. All of this stems from your understanding and control of the kitchen environment. Are you following all this?" Akane nodded. Satisfied, Rei went on. "Once you’ve reached the higher ranks, you will have to create a technique that utilizes your personal chi energy to it’s utmost. This technique will be your greatest secret, used only when it absolutely must be."

Akane’s heart sank at the word "chi". Her expression hopeless, she said, "But I can’t use my chi! Ranma can whip out a Moko Takabisha or a Hiryu Shoten Ha without even blinking, and I can’t even drag up an aura!" Rei shook her head. "That’s not true Akane. Watch:" Smiling cruelly, Rei said in a fair impression of Ranma, "Akane, you violent gorilla! What a tomboy, thick as a brick, built like a stick, can’t even kick!" At her words, Akane began to glow a sullen blue, heat waves radiating off of her. Picking up a large cleaver from the magnetic rack next to her, she growled in the back of her throat and raised the cleaver to strike.

Quickly taking the cleaver from her, Rei said to the fitfully glowing girl, "See Akane? That’s your aura you’re giving off. That’s your chi." Akane blinked, her aura dying as swiftly as it had sprung up. "That’s my chi?" She said incredulously, "I…I never knew…wow…" Smiling at Akane’s amazed expression, Rei said, "You’ve probably been using your chi fairly steadily since Ranma showed up. You just only seem to release it when you’re angry. All you have to do now is learn how to crack open your chi reservoir inside you whenever you want. You know, Ranma had to do the same thing at one point …"

Akane felt something akin to joy. She was on the right path! She had been using her chi with regularity for a year or more! She could do it too! Rei was saying, "There are two kinds of chi attacks, you see; inward and outward. An inward attack is like what you do, using your chi to augment your natural abilities, such as to make you stronger or faster. An outward attack is like Ranma’s Moko Takabishi, a violent expelling of your chi through a focus object such as your hands or a weapon. Once you learn how, it’s easy." Akane looked curiously at her. "Can you do that Rei?"

Rei nodded but said, "Yes, but I try not to. Only the true masters can use their chi in this manner without being exhausted by the exertion." Akane blinked and said, "But I’ve seen Ranma use several chi attacks in a row. Does that mean..?" Rei smiled slightly and nodded again. "Yes. If what you say of Ranma is true, then he is most probably up in the ranks with the top ten or twenty martial artists in the world." Akane was awed. She had always known that Ranma was one of the best martial artists around, but to hear it in those terms…it really was amazing.

Rei went on, "Now, we need to start your training. For starters, we’ll do some simple drills to increase your concentration and control. Pick out a knife that feels right in your hand and get a carrot. Ready? Okay, start cutting and try to focus on nothing but making the slices uniformly thin and even. There, you’re doing it…"

The only word to describe Ranma’s mood was "pissed". As he trudged down the street in a heavy overcoat despite the warm weather, he wondered how he had gotten waylaid into doing this. When Kasumi had listed her demands, he had been loath to be the one who had to wash the dishes, or do the dusting, or vacuum the house. So he had been assigned to do the job of going to the liquor store to get more sake for Kasumi. He had a fake ID loaned to him by Nabiki for the cheap price of a thousand yen, but he still worried about getting found out. So, Ranma wore a bulky overcoat to hide his identity, as well as a wide fedora.

Ranma was so lost in thought that he almost didn’t see his school friends Hiroshi and Daisuke approaching from the opposite direction. Hoping against hope, he hunched down into his jacket and pulled the brim of his hat down over his eyes. The two boys passed him without a word. Ranma sighed in relief. I guess I really am a master of disguise…He thought. Down the street Hiroshi turned to Daisuke and said, "Why was Ranma dressed up like some sort of weirdo back there?" Daisuke shrugged and said, "Maybe he’s on his way to a steamy rendezvous with one of his fiancées?" They chuckled at this idea. A long moment of silence passed. The two boys looked at each other. Then Daisuke said, "Shall we investigate, Detective Hiroshi?" Hiroshi nodded and answered, "It would be the wise thing to do, Detective Daisuke." Without another word, they dashed off after Ranma.

Ranma reached the liquor store without mishap. From deep inside his overcoat, he nodded perfunctorily at the shop owner. He was in! As he looked for the sake aisle, he muttered to himself, "Stupid Kasumi…why can’t she get her own damn sake? I don’t see why I have to do it…"

When he entered the sake aisle, he saw another boy, perhaps two or three years his senior, also reading labels. Eyeing the boy’s Nekomi Technical Institute letter jacket, Ranma began looking for the brand Kasumi had requested. As he stood there, he continued to mutter to himself. He heard the other boy muttering, "Stupid Urd…why can’t she get her own damn booze? At the very least, she could pay for it herself!" The two boys glanced at each other then looked away. Finding the bottles they wanted, they walked in opposite directions, each thinking, Heh heh…poor jerk! What a sucker, out buying booze for his girlfriend…Man, I’m glad I’m not him!

Ranma walked to the counter, still shrouded in his heavy overcoat. As he handed his fake ID to the man at the counter, he tensed almost invisibly. The man looked at the ID, then at Ranma, then at the ID again. Then, apparently satisfied that Ranma was the correct age, or at least that Ranma could beat him up if he was turned away, he checked the sake bottle out. "Eight-hundred and fifty yen please."

Ranma paid quickly and scuttled from the store, chuckling to himself all the while. I really am a master of disguise! Nobody even recognized me! He thought. But as he scurried back towards the Tendo Dojo, two pairs of unbelieving eyes peered from around the corner of the liquor store. Hiroshi and Daisuke stared at each other. "Ranma," They said, "Has a drinking problem?!" Without another word, they dashed off to the nearest phone to inform Yuka and Sayori, their female counterparts and girlfriends at Furinkan High School.

The front gate of the Tendo Dojo swung closed behind Ranma with a bang. But Ranma paid it no mind, for before him was a sight he had seen only a handful of times in his life. His father was working. Kneeling on the front steps, Genma was industriously scrubbing at the stones, dressed in a flowered apron, his sleeves rolled to his elbows. Shaking his head dazedly, Ranma approached and said, "Pop? Is that you?" Genma looked up at Ranma, his expression of misery turning to relief when he spied the bottle of sake. Clutching Ranma’s leg piteously, he bawled, "Oh thank the kami! Ranma my son, you have saved us all!"

Ranma kicked his father loose and pulled him to his feet, shaking him firmly. "What the heck are you babbling about old man? Have you lost your mind?" Genma shook his head violently, an action made easier as Ranma was still bobbling him about. He broke loose and shoved Ranma towards the door as he said, "Never mind me! Quickly, get Kasumi her sake!"

Ranma allowed himself to be pushed towards the door. Looking over his shoulder, he asked, "What, is Kasumi going into withdrawal? Why didn’t you say so?!" This said, Ranma dashed for the house. Genma watched him go for a moment before returning to his chore, crying silent tears of misery.

As Ranma ran for the kitchen he pondered his father’s behavior. What force on Earth could impel his father to do any sort of manual labor? Ranma pushed these thoughts from his head as he entered the hall. No noise. The kitchen! Ranma turned and ran to the kitchen. As he passed through the doorway into the kitchen, he shouted, "I have the sake! I…um…" Ranma trailed off at the scene before him. Soun, a kerchief tied around his head to keep his long hair out of his face, was doing the dishes, sobbing all the while. Ukyou was on her knees, hand-scrubbing the floor. She looked up and smiled at Ranma as he entered. And at the kitchen table sat Kasumi, leaning back in a chair in a relaxed pose. In front of her was Nabiki, holding a scrub brush in one hand and a checkbook in the other. As Ranma came in, she was saying, "Okay sis, twenty-thousand yen, and that’s my final offer!" Kasumi shook her head, a small smile playing about her lips. Pointing towards the downstairs bathroom, she said, "I’m sorry Nabiki, but no. Now scrub!"

Nabiki stalked out of the room, muttering to herself furiously. Kasumi called after her, "And make sure to get up under the rim too!" She turned towards Ranma, who stood in the doorway, a dumbfounded expression plastered onto his face. Kasumi stood, the relief in her eyes plain, and ran over to Ranma. "Thank heaven!" She said as she plucked the sake bottle from Ranma’s nerveless fingers. In one swift motion she ripped the wrapping and lid from the bottle. Without another word to Ranma, she walked off, taking a long swig from the bottle. Once she was sure the drugged girl was distracted, Ukyou stood and walked over to Ranma, who was staring blankly after Kasumi. "Welcome back Ran-chan." She said. Ranma gave no response. Sighing, she smacked him across the back of his head. Ranma blinked and turned to look at her. "Oh, hi Ucchan," He said, "What are you doing here?"

Ukyou smiled. "Oh, it was pretty obvious that nothing was going to get done with just your father, Mr. Tendo, and Nabiki working, so I decided to stay and help out."

Ranma put his hand on her shoulder and said, "Thanks Ucchan. For everything, I mean. You’ve been a big help since this whole stupid thing started. I’m glad you’re here." Ukyou blushed slightly and smiled up at him. Oh Ranma…She thought I’m glad to be here too…

Any further talking was cut off by Shampoo entering the room, vaporizing the wall in her path in the process. The purple-haired Amazon waved cheerfully to Ranma and called, "Nihao Ranma!" Her smile vanished and turned into a scowl at the sight of Ukyou, who sniffed and pointedly ignored her rival. Shampoo bustled past Ukyou, bumping her out of the way in the process, and took hold of Ranma’s arm. "Airen," She cooed, "Shampoo hear husband have to work for Crazy Drunk Girl, so Shampoo come right away to help."

From off to one side, Ukyou spitefully muttered, "She was probably waiting outside for Ranma-Honey to come back so she wouldn’t have to do any work until he could see her do it…"

Aiya! Shampoo thought, How Stupid Spatula Girl know that? Well, it no matter. I show husband I make good wife, then we go on date…And why I thinking in Japanese? I Chinese.That no make sense… As Shampoo tried to sort out this obvious conflict in her own thoughts, Kasumi came back into the room with a basket of laundry under her arm. She eyed Shampoo and said, "Oh Shampoo…did you come here to help too? How sweet!"

Shampoo blinked and looked up. "What you say?" Kasumi thrust a scrub brush and a bucket of water into her hands and said, "Here. The upstairs bathroom still needs cleaning. I’ll come check on you in a little while." Shampoo blinked again and looked down at the brush. "What?"

Ignoring the Amazon, Kasumi tapped Ranma’s arm. "Ranma-kun, come help me with the laundry." Ukyou opened her mouth to protest, but Ranma beat her to it by mumbling, "Um…s-sure Kasumi…"

Kasumi glanced at Ukyou and said, "Oh, Ukyou-san, if you’re done with the floor, I think my father could use a hand with the dishes." They all glanced at Soun, who was neck deep in soapsuds at the sink, still sobbing all the while. Without another word, Kasumi led a bemused Ranma off towards the laundry room. Shampoo looked at the bucket and brush in her hands again and said succinctly, "This is stupid!" Ukyou, busily extracting a very soapy Soun from the mountain of foamy bubbles, heartily agreed.

Ranma swallowed nervously as Kasumi slid the door to the laundry room shut. It was with a good deal of trepidation that he approached her and began feeding clothes into the washing machine. Much to his relief, they concluded the job without mishap, although the amount of sake she drank throughout made Ranma wonder how she managed to remain upright. The only explanation was that her system was absorbing it more rapidly than before.

Ranma’s ruminations were cut short by Kasumi’s voice, only slightly unsteady, and very definitely in a tone he didn’t like. Slowly, the pigtailed martial artist turned around. Kasumi stood in front of the door, directly blocking his escape, Ranma noted, and smiled at him suggestively. As she stepped towards him, she undid the top button of her pale pink blouse and said, "Thank you for your help Ranma-kun…let me pay you back." Ranma did a fair impression of someone trying to jump out of his own skin. Kasumi undid the second button, speeding up her step. Ranma stepped back, eyes locked on her hand and remaining buttons.

The drugged girl smiled an almost cruel smile and grabbed him by the collar. Ranma made a choking sound as Kasumi lunged in for a kiss. Backpedaling furiously, Ranma backed up against the washing machine, hard enough to make the attached dryer’s door pop open. Kasumi’s smile widened as she saw that Ranma was backed into a corner. She stepped up to him and pressed close, making Ranma try to melt into the unyielding metal of the washing machine. Kasumi whispered as she put her hands on Ranma’s tense chest, "Don’t be so silly Ranma…you don’t really want to go, now do you?"

Ranma nodded emphatically. "Yeah I do!" He said. Kasumi playfully pushed Ranma and said, "So go…or can’t you use force to get away from poor little me?" Ranma scowled but didn’t answer her. Kasumi scowled back, just a little. But her brow cleared as she ran her hand across Ranma’s tense chest. She smiled anew as Ranma’s eyes started to bug out of his head. Seeing how his eyes were rapidly fixing on a point over her left shoulder, Kasumi decided to get his attention back on her. Ranma yelped loudly as he felt a sharp pinch on his behind. He stared at her and demanded, "What did you do that for?!"

Kasumi whispered "To get your attention Ranma…" She ran her hand up his back and leaned in to kiss him again. Ranma squeaked and dodged his head off to one side. Not about to be so easily deterred, Kasumi lunged again, making Ranma dodge again. They went on like this, Ranma ducking his head and weaving it back and forth to avoid Kasumi’s kisses while she pinned him against the washing machine. She smiled slightly as she got a good handhold on the slippery boy. Right on his braid. Ranma winced as she held his head steady and slowly moved in for a kiss. Ranma closed his eyes and braced himself for the inevitable.

Outside the room, Ukyou peeked through the crack and gritted her teeth. Once she had pulled Soun from the dishes and finished them for him, she had come up to see if Ranma needed help. And now that…that wench was seducing her Ranma! "And here I thought at least one of the Tendo girls was halfway decent!" There was a small scrape next to her. Ukyou looked over to see Shampoo, still holding the bucket and scrub brush, also peeking through the crack in the door. "Crazy Drunk Girl try to seduce husband?" She whispered unbelievingly. Ukyou nodded grimly. Shampoo stood up and held the brush in a decidedly threatening manner. "I kill." She announced.

Ukyou pulled the Amazon girl back down, covering her mouth with one hand. "Sssh!" She hissed. "If you kill her, Ranma won’t ever forgive you, not that I’d mind that in the least. Besides, if you try to take on Kasumi now, I think I can safely guarantee that you’ll lose. No, we need a plan…some way to distract her while we sneak Ranma out of there…"

Meanwhile, back in the room, Ranma gulped and began to sweat nervously. His arms hung limply at his sides as he tried to close his mind to what was coming. He had no particular objection from recieveing a kiss from a pretty girl, not really, but the fact that it was Kasumi was causing some pretty major mental conflicts. For some reason, Ranma kept envisioning himself being struck down by Dr. Tofu. Ignoring his plight, Kasumi savored the closeness of their position, him leaning back against the washing machine, with her virtually coiled around him. She sighed and whispered, "I’ve waited for this for too long." Then, she sighed again and moved in for the kiss. Ranma sucked his lips in and prayed for this to end quickly. He felt her breath, sour with sake, tickle his lips. He squeezed his eyes even tighter.

The door shot open with a bang, and a very wet, very surprised pink cat flew through the air and landed on Ranma’s head with a moist plop. Ranma froze, looked up into Shampoo-neko’s surprised eyes, and screamed at the top of his lungs. "EYAAAAAAGHH! Catcatcatcat! Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!"

Ranma bowled Kasumi aside and began dashing around the room flailing his arms madly. Shampoo-neko held on all the tighter, for fear of falling off and getting trampled in the confusion. After a few moments of total chaos, Kasumi, more than a little irked at being disturbed, grabbed Shampoo-neko and hurled her out the window. As the surprised cat flew out the window with a satisfying "Meow!!", Kasumi smiled and dusted off her hands. But her smile dribbled off her face as she turned to find herself alone in the room. Cursing softly, she looked out into the hall, seeing nothing but an empty bucket lying on its side, a scrub brush, and the open window at the end of the hall. Her cursing went up a few decibels.

Up on the roof, Ukyou winced as the sounds of Kasumi cursing reached her ears. She thanked the kami she had decided to come over when she did, for had she not built up such a tolerance to weirdness over the past few hours, she would surely have succumbed to brain damage by now from the sheer bizarreness of hearing Kasumi swear. Ranma was having a visibly harder time with Kasumi’s foul mouth, for he had seized up again, staring blankly off into space while a nervous tic twitched away in his left cheek. Ukyou sighed as she hit him over the head with a roofing tile. This is becoming a habit… She thought.

Ranma blinked as the tile broke over his head. Shaking the cobwebs from his mind, he turned around and smiled at Ukyou. "Thanks Ucchan," He said, "Thanks for snapping me out of that, and for getting me out of the laundry room like that." Ukyou chuckled and poked Ranma in the ribs, "Anytime Ran-chan."

He smiled back at her for a moment before becoming serious again, "We need to find Akane, Ukyou." The chef’s smile faltered a little as she weakly said, "We do?" Ranma nodded and explained, "We can’t really cure Kasumi until she comes back with that Daremo girl. I don’t know why, but it looks like Kasumi’s getting worse! It’s bad enough that she’s making passes at us, but what if she leaves the house? What if she picks up some random guy?" A shiver ran through Ranma as he said, "What if she goes to Doctor Tofu’s office?" Ukyou shuddered at the thought. Tofu was bad enough when Kasumi just came into the room, but if she was flirting with him? The idea was pure horror. Ukyou nodded grimly, and said, "All well and good Ranma, but where do we look? Those two could be anywhere!"

Ranma sighed and shook his head. "I…I don’t know." He said quietly, "I don’t know what to do Ukyou…"

Ukyou’s eyes softened. She smiled and put her hand on his shoulder comfortingly. "Don’t worry Ranma. We don’t have to go looking for them. They’ll be back in a few weeks on their own. You just have to be patient." Ranma returned the smile with one of his own, the one that made Ukyou’s heart race and her mind spin. He said, "You’re right Ucchan. Thank you. For everything."

Her heart threatening to explode it was pounding so hard, Ukyou reminded herself to breathe. Oh my god, She thought, it hurts! I love him so much it hurts! She could feel her eyes starting to mist up again. Ranma made a few alarmed sounds and began making little helpless gestures with his hands as he said, "Aw jeez…Ucchan…aw, don’t cry…I-I’m sorry…I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry…"

Ukyou sniffed mightily, willing her eyes to clear. When she was sure they were, she socked Ranma in the gut as hard as she could, catching him by surprise. While he tried to regain his breath, she said in a fierce tone, "Don’t! Don’t ever think you’ve done something to make me cry! There’s only one thing you could ever do to make me cry, and that won’t happen any time soon, if at all. Never think you’ve hurt me so badly that I can’t get back up Ranma. You can’t do it. I’m tougher than you think."

As startled by her little speech as Ranma was, Ukyou clapped her mouth shut and bit down on her bottom lip. Ranma stared at her for a long second, then whispered, "Ucchan…"

He was about to say more when Kasumi’s voice floated up from the yard to them. "There you are! You two come down from there right now! I have more chores for the both of you!"

They looked at one another and sighed. Ranma called, "Coming Kasumi!" He nodded towards the yard and said, "C’mon Ucchan…let’s go…" Ukyou nodded and followed Ranma down the side of the roof. As she walked, she made a silent promise to Ranma, as well as to herself. Don’t you worry Ranma-honey. I’ll save you every time Kasumi traps you. She can’t have you. Shampoo can’t have you. Akane can’t have you. None of them can. You’re mine.

And so it went for the next ten days, with Ranma and the others doing chores, Kasumi making passes at him, Ranma responding to the passes in a less than favorable manner, at least in word if not in body, and Ukyou saving him through a variety of means. On the eleventh day of what Ranma had long since decided was punishment for some forgotten transgression against the gods, he crawled from the smoking wreckage of Ukyou’s most recent ploy to get him out of Kasumi’s grasp and staggered out to the yard. With a groan, he slumped against one of the posts on the porch and stared out at the twilight sky. "Akane," He muttered, "Where the hell are you anyway?"

*****

Akane slumped to her knees in exhaustion. While she regained her breath, Rei dusted herself off and leaned against the wall of the hidden training facility. Even she, with all of her experience and esoteric knowledge of the Art, was astounded. In the space of little more than a week, Akane had grasped and learned near-mastery of something that had taken Rei six years to learn. In fact, Akane had reached the point where she had only to create her master chi technique to reach mastery of the school. She had already created several techniques which Rei had to admit were useful. And yet, Akane still could not even cook rice.

Rei shook her head. Despite Akane’s intuitive grasp of almost any form of the Art, she just couldn’t seem to cook. The best she could do was boil water, and it usually took her several tries to accomplish that. Rei sighed heavily at the thought. She had virtually given up on making Akane a cook of any skill at all. It had reached the point where she had written Akane off as a lost cause in the kitchen. Well, Rei thought, We’ll just have to improve her other skills to the point where Ranma won’t think about her cooking. Hehehehe…I’ll see you crawl yet Saotome!

Akane got to her feet, wiped the sweat from her forehead, adjusted her white gi, and took on a fighting stance. Rei stood back up and pushed her glasses back up her nose until they were resting comfortably. "Ready to go again?" Akane nodded and said, "Let’s go!"

Rei moved into a fighting stance and said, "Okay then. Remember, as soon as you start moving, start using the exercise I taught you to pull in your chi. Once you’ve got it formed solid enough to make an aura, visualize the chi spreading through your body, through every last bit of you. Then, concentrate on what feels right to you. Wherever the chi tries to go, help it along. Your technique is already in you, you just have to find it. Remember, it’ll come from a fighting form you already do well, so just do what’s comfortable. Got it?"

Shifting from foot to foot in anticipation, Akane nodded. Without warning, Rei shouted, "Then fight!" and charged Akane. The bespectacled ninja girl lashed out with two swift open-hand strikes at Akane’s head for an opener, expecting Akane to dodge to the left, her favored side, which she did. Having guessed her move, Rei whipped off a right-leg roundhouse to the left side of Akane’s head.

Akane smiled grimly. She had expected a kick. It was Rei’s favorite opener, a fact she had painfully learned over the past week from multiple connections to her face. Akane savored the surprise on Rei’s face as she grabbed the ninja girl’s ankle and pushed off straight over Rei’s head, flipping the girl over backwards. Rei reacted quickly by shooting out her hands, landing in a handstand rather then hitting her head against the concrete floor. Using the momentum of Akane’s attack as leverage, Rei let the throw carry her legs, and consequentially Akane as well, right over her head. At the arc of her leg’s high point, she snapped her legs down hard, throwing a very surprised Akane another five feet, where she twisted agilely in the air to land in a crouch. As she stood again, she asked, "Where did you learn that?" Rei smiled and shrugged nonchalantly. "I just made it up."

Rei stepped back on the defensive as Akane charged and unleashed a pattern of jabs at her throat and face. Rei grinned. This combination hid a sudden midriff kick at the end, which would take an unsuspecting opponent completely by surprise. Even as she dodged the smokescreen of punches, Rei flexed her fingers and prepared to leave her sparring partner sprawled on the floor. But at the culmination of the attack, instead of leaning back to snap off the kick, Akane made a surprise move and leaned forwards and threw an overhand punch at Rei’s face. She had just enough time before she blocked the punch to see something clenched in Akane’s fist.

There was a small cracking sound as Rei blocked the blow with her forearm, followed by a puff of fine red powder, which expanded into a small cloud, right in Rei’s face. Akane jumped back as Rei inhaled a nose full of the dust, and promptly began sneezing and choking violently. Akane smiled smugly and held up a broken cardboard tube. "Surprise Cayenne Bomb."

Her eyes watering fiercely as she tried to clear the pepper dust from them, Rei wheezed, "That was dirty…you bitch!" Akane stuck her tongue out and responded, "Bitch yourself! You did the same thing to me three days ago!"

Rei spit out a mouthful of the fiery stuff and drew Stormbringer from the recesses of her black gi. Holding it flat against her arm, she said, "So you want to play rough huh? Suit yourself."

She dashed in low at Akane’s midriff, lashing out with the ladle at Akane’s gut. Akane leaped straight up to avoid it. Smiling grimly, Rei hooked her heel with the bowl of the ladle and pulled back sharply. "Whhoooulp!" Akane yelped as she was pulled off balance. She gasped as she landed on the hard concrete floor. Momentarily stunned, Akane just barely managed to roll away from the direct strike Rei made at her head with the ladle. Rolling to her feet, she glared at Rei and said, "What are you so worked up about? It’s just a practice fight!"

"If you treat it like one," Rei admonished, "You won’t ever master your chi. You want to be better than Ranma don’t you?" Akane shouted angrily, "Of course I do!"

Forgive me Akane, Rei thought, but I have to do this. Akane blinked as Rei dashed off to one side at top speed, appearing to be no more than a blur of shadow. She gasped as Rei jabbed her in the side with the ladle and whispered, "Too slow Akane. I swear, you’re such a brick sometimes!" Akane started at Rei’s cruel words, not even trying to strike back. Rei dashed around her and jabbed her in the other side and whispered, "Why don’t you give up? You’ll never get any better! You’re hopeless!"

Akane lashed out blindly and cried, "S-stop it!" Rei moved behind Akane and jabbed her in the small of the back. As she did, he said in a cruel impression of Akane, " ‘Stop it’? What a pathetic girl! You’re not even fit to stay home and be a house wife!" Akane felt like crying. Why was Rei doing this? It wasn’t fair! But even as she felt miserable, Akane began to get angry…

Rei stepped off to her left again and poked Akane in the arm, not even bothering with the ladle as she said, "You can’t do anything right! You can’t cook, you can’t even fight!"

Akane’s back stiffened. A thousand memories of Ranma insulting her cooking flooded her mind. She could feel heat flood her as she clenched her hands into fists at her sides. But overlaying those images were ten times as many of Ranma "sparring" with her, doing nothing more than dodge as Akane flailed pitiably, taunting her all the while. Rei’s words, in Ranma’s voice came back to her; …can’t even fight! Tears began to leak down her cheeks.

As it had so many times before, Akane realized a huge mallet was in her hand. She raised it over her head. She felt light-headed with the amount of energy coursing through her. There was a strange sensation of…splitting, in her mind. Akane could feel the chi roaring around her in a shell of blue light, swirling and shifting. She screamed at the top of her lungs, "YES…I…CAN!!!"

As Akane had stiffened, Rei paused in her cruel attack. She felt miserable about what she was doing to Akane. She made a mental note to beg for forgiveness when they were done. But then, all thoughts of apologizing fled her mind as Akane’s aura burst into life. Before, it had always glowed fitfully, increasing in size little by little, never achieving much size. But this time, Akane’s aura burst into life like a miniature explosion, turning the girl into a human-sized ball of blue fire. Rei shielded her eyes from the glare. Incredible! She thought, This is astounding! Peering cautiously, Rei looked just in time to see something closer to magic than anything else.

For close to a year, Akane had been summoning huge amounts of chi energy to feed her auras of rage, then not doing anything with the power. All that time, the energy had been lying dormant, stored uneasily in every cell of Akane’s body. And now, after a year of building up a cultivated chi reservoir the envy of any master, a portion of that energy was escaping.

Before Rei’s astounded eyes, Akane’s body seemed to blur around the edges. The hairs on Rei’s arms stood up, virtually crackling from the amount of chi flooding the room. There’s enough ambient energy in this room to power a stadium for a year! She thought. All thought escaped her as the blurring increased. Then, with a flash of energy, Akane split. Rei blinked in utter dumbfounded amazement. Where one Akane had stood, there were now three, all of them floating a foot off the ground. One was in sharp detail, while the others were fuzzy and indistinct. There was another flash of light as the two ghost-Akanes split as well, making a total of five now. Then those split, and those after that, until there was a ring of twelve Akanes around Rei, all of them hovering, eyes shut.

The Akanes flashed, all coming into sharp detail, each holding a glowing wooden mallet with a head the size of a large watermelon. Their eyes snapped open, revealing orbs of blinding blue light rather than eyes. In perfect synchronization, they lifted their massive mallets over their heads and screamed, "YES…I…CAN!!!" The hum of energy in the room picked up to a muted roar. Rei saw what was coming, and desperately tried to curl into a ball to defend herself. The Akanes cried, "I…CAN…FIGHT!!"

Boomboomboomboomboomboomboomboomboomboomboomboom! The twelve mallets connected unerringly with Rei’s head. She cried out in agony at the massive chi-driven assault slammed her off her feet onto the floor. Rei slammed into the ground hard and tasted blood in her mouth. She realized she had bitten her tongue hard. Her vision swam in and out of focus, accompanied with a sick nausea and a blazing pain in her head. She saw eleven of the Akanes fade away, leaving only the original, who fell to her knees weakly.

As her vision began to go black around the edges, Rei prayed fervently that she had not sustained brain damage. She saw Akane spot her and leap to her feet to run over to her. The shorthaired girl’s voice was strangely hollow as she cried, "Rei! Oh no…I didn’t…I…I’m sorry!" Rei’s vision dimmed further, but she felt nothing but triumph. Her last conscious thought was, I did it! I’ll get my revenge…get ready Ranma Saotome! It was then that Rei passed out.

When Rei awoke, she immediately began to wish she had not. Her head throbbed nauseatingly with a dull and all-consuming pain. She opened her eyes for a moment, but quickly snapped them shut again as the world spun madly and made her even more sick. She heard Akane’s voice say, "Oh god Rei, I’m so sorry…I don’t know what happened…"

Rei whispered, "Akane…speak quietly…" Akane, tears standing in her eyes, whispered, "I’m sorry…I didn’t mean for that to happen…"

Mustering as much strength as she could, Rei opened her eyes, being careful to look at nothing but Akane’s tearful face lest she become nauseous again, and said in the firmest tone she could manage, "Don’t feel bad Akane. That what was I had hoped would happen. I think we found your specialty. Why a hammer though?"

Akane blushed. "Oh," She said with a half-blush, "I always used to hit Ranma with a mallet when he made fun of me. I never did figure out where it came from, I just found it in my hand one time when I was really angry with him. I remember Kodachi — that crazy gymnast I told you about — trying to use a mallet on me once, so I think that’s where I got it. After that, whenever Ranma got mad at me, it would just sort of appear in my hand. I wouldn’t even think about it, I’d just hit him."

Rei lay back and closed her eyes. She was mildly satisfied to note that the pain had diminished a little. After a minute of silence, she said, eyes still closed, "The master once told me of such a thing…he said that some masters of the Art could call their weapon to their hand in a moment of need. One can only assume that’s what you did. How, I don’t know…the master could do it only on occasion, and then as a last resort, but if your story is accurate, you seem to be able to do it with a rather disturbing regularity…"

The two girls sat in silence, digesting this, until Rei shifter slightly and said, "My head feels funny, aside from the throbbing pain that is." Akane smiled and said, "Oh, I bandaged your head for you. It looked like it really hurt, so I wrapped a poultice my big sister showed me around it. How does it feel?" Rei sniffled theatrically and said in a little girl voice, "It hurts."

Akane smiled and kissed her on her forehead gently. Rei smiled and said, "Thank you." Akane asked softly, "Where else does it hurt?" Rei grinned mischievously and stuck out her tongue, showing the tip where she had bitten when she fell. "It hurts here."

Akane raised an eyebrow. Then, getting a look on her face similar to Rei’s, she bent forward and parted her lips slowly. Rei was almost as shocked as Akane to feel the shorthaired girl’s mouth press to hers with more than clinical interest. An electric shock seemed to run up Rei’s spine as she felt Akane’s tongue slip into her mouth and touch her own. Both girls closed their eyes and savored the moment, each seeming to almost be trying to consume the other. The kiss went on and on, clumsily at first, but rapidly growing in confidence, if not skill. The room was silent save for the breathing of the girls, as they poured something they didn’t even know they had into the other’s mouth. Finally, when they broke the kiss to come up for air, they stared at each other as if shocked at what had happened, which in fact they were. Akane asked in a halting voice, "Did I…did I do that right?"

Rei stared at her for a moment before answering in an equally dazed voice, "I don’t know…I’ve never done that before…wow…" Akane whispered, "Neither have I…" Silence reigned. Akane blinked and stared at Rei. "You’ve never kissed someone like that? But I thought you said…" Rei shook her head. "I know what I said, but I never have. I never got up the nerve to kiss a girl, and I didn’t want my first to be with someone who was being paid to." Akane stared at her. Silence returned.

The quiet went on for several minutes as they sat and stared at one another. Several times, one of them would open their mouth to say something, but stopped before she said anything. Finally, Rei took a deep breath and said, fingering the bandage on her head ruefully, "I think it’s safe to say that you’ve mastered the first part of your training." It was apparent in Akane’s face that this was not what she had hoped Rei would say, but she simply nodded and asked, "Now what?"

Rei smiled and said, "Now comes the fun part." She winced as she sat up slowly. She took Akane’s hand in her own and continued, "Now you learn how to make Ranma beg." Akane blushed and looked away. "I…I don’t know if I really want to learn that…"

With a firm hand, Rei turned Akane’s face back towards her and asked, "Akane, you came with me on this trip for two reasons. Because you wanted to be able to prove to Ranma that you could fight and cook, and because you wanted to learn to make Ranma beg. Because you’re tired of having Ranma act so superior. Isn’t that right?" Akane nodded slowly, staring at a point over Rei’s left shoulder. Rei sighed and moved Akane’s head so she was once again looking at Akane. "Then we have to do this. I don’t mean to pressure you, but if you want to learn, you have to trust me."

Akane said quietly, "Why did you want me to do this Rei? Because you wanted to help me, or because you wanted revenge on Ranma?" Rei felt her heart lurch at the expression on Akane’s face. She silently considered lying to her, but quickly vetoed that idea. A sigh that seemed to come from the bottoms of her feet issued from her mouth. She gave Akane a rueful smile and said, "I admit, at first I saw you as a means to getting my revenge…" Akane stiffened and opened her mouth to deliver a blistering retort, but Rei cut her off. "But once I got to know you, I started to feel that I couldn’t, in good conscience, use you as a tool. Besides, you honestly seemed to want to learn to fight better, not to mention how to cook better."

A wry smile crossed Akane’s face. "Did this revelation come before or after you forced yourself on me?" Rei winced and turned bright red. "You aren’t ever going to forget about that, are you? I told you, that wasn’t supposed to happen!"

Akane glared at her and shot back, "Oh, that would be convenient, wouldn’t it? I’m sure it would be a lot easier to get rid of me when you didn’t need me any more if you didn’t have that pesky guilt hanging over your head!" Rei tried to say something placating, but Akane went on, having only paused to take a deep breath, "Well tough! You aren’t throwing me away like some… some cheap whore! It doesn’t work that way now! You kidnap me, tie me up, force yourself on me, then pat me on the head and say, ‘Just forget that ever happened’. I don’t think so!"

Rei shrank back against the pillow and muttered, "It was just a kiss…" But Akane was now running under full steam, and was not about to stop until she had said her piece. "I’ll admit I might have been flattered that you thought I was pretty. I’ll admit that I’m now glad I got my first kiss from a nice person, even if their motivation was a bit twisted," Here she glared at Rei, who shrank back even further, "But I will not forget it happened!" Her dark eyes softened slightly. "I am willing to forgive, knowing now what I do, but never ever ask me to forget something that really happened. I won’t do that, not for you, not for Ranma, not for anyone."

That said, Akane sat back and looked at Rei challengingly, as if daring her to argue with her. Rei held up a finger meekly and said, "Um, Akane…can I say something?" Akane nodded. Rei opened her mouth, paused, and snapped it shut again. After another pregnant pause, she opened her mouth again, only to close it, the words unsaid. Finally, she whispered, "I’m…I’m sorry for treating you like a tool. I though I was doing just the opposite."

Although Akane’s eyes lost a good deal of the challenge they had held, Rei went on in a melancholy tone, "I suppose you want to quit now. Well, I don’t blame you. Go on home…if you need money to get home, I can at least do that." Smiling, Akane said, "Don’t be so melodramatic. I’m staying." But Rei didn’t seem to hear, and went on in the same gloomy voice, "At least I can do that right…I’m the champ at pushing people away…" Akane sighed and picked up a pillow she had been leaning on. Wordlessly, she leaned forward and smacked Rei upside her head with it, hard enough to make the glum ninja’s head jolt back with a popping sound.

Rei rubbed her forehead and said in a polite tone, "If I may ask, what was that for?" Akane smiled sweetly and replied, "For being an idiot." A small tic started twitching away in Rei’s cheek. "An idiot, hmm?" Akane, still smiling, nodded cheerfully. But her smile vanished when a pillow smacked into her face at close to warp speed. It was with a visible effort that she peeled it from her face to hold it like a club in her hand. She glared at Rei and demanded, "What was that for?!" Rei sniffed loftily and answered, "For being a brat!"

As she was still fairly weak from her recent beating, Rei was not fast enough to avoid the pillow that came down on the top of her head. Akane shot back, "If I’m a brat, then you’re a…a…a pumpkin-head!" Rei burst into laughter at the absurd insult and lobbed the pillow back, calling, "Oh yeah? You melon-face!" Akane returned the favor with a hurled pillow and, "You burnt clamshell!" Rei grinned merrily and picked up everything not bolted down on her side of the bed. Akane did the same on her side. Chaos ensued.

Several minutes and one very noisy pillow fight later, Akane and Rei laid on the tangled little bed, both hot, sweating, and utterly worn out. Rei, still giggling a little, asked while staring at the ceiling, "So, can I assume that you’re staying?" Akane grinned and answered, "I said as much…just warn me before you spring any surprises on me, okay?" Rubbing her still tender scalp, Rei retorted, "That goes double for you, you brute!" She gave a muffled yelp of surprise as Akane idly stuffed a pillow over her face. The shorthaired girl said, "I really am sorry about that." Chuckling, Rei tossed the pillow aside and answered, "Hey, don’t worry about me; just think of how Ranma’s face will look when you spring that trick on him!" Akane wrinkled her brow at the idea of possibly hurting Ranma. But then she thought, That jerk is made of rubber or something…I’ve hit him hard enough to stun a horse without having any effect on him…it’s not as if this’ll do any worse…besides, his expression will be priceless! Let’s just see if he can dodge this one as easily! At this new thought, Akane could not help but giggle softly. Rei smiled at her and said, "That’s what I want to hear…"

**********Interlude**********

Tatewaki Kuno, heir to the Kuno Family Fortune, master of the Kuno School of kendo, lord of his estate, sat in deep meditation in his spacious training center, eyes shut, hands resting on his thighs as he knelt in perfect harmony with his surroundings. For several minutes, Kuno sat like this, still enough to be the envy of any statue. Then he began to snore softly. A thin trickle of drool slipped from the corner of his mouth as he cackled in his sleep, murmuring, "Ohhh…pig-tailed girl…mmm…wait! We cannot…we cannot do this…not without Akane-sama here…"

It was like this that Sasuke, Kuno’s trusted manservant, found his master. Whispering softly, Sasuke attempted to shake Kuno awake. "Lord Tatewaki…wake up!" Kuno snorted loudly and started as he awoke to find himself face to face with the diminutive ninja. "Sasuke!" Kuno said sternly, "I have given specific orders not to be awoken…that is, disturbed from my meditations for anything less than the fall of the Emperor’s Palace…or the arrival of Akane Tendo…or the pig-tailed girl, for that matter…"

Sasuke nodded and answered, holding up the gilded receiver of a phone he carried on a small tray, "I thought you would wish to hear this, my lord…"

Curiously, Kuno nodded to Sasuke, who backed out of the room, and picked up the receiver. Speaking into it, Kuno said, "You have the honor of speaking to Tatewaki Kuno, of the Kuno household. Who wishes to be heard?" Kuno listened to the voice on the other end for several minutes, nodding slowly. But at the concluding statement, his eyes widened and he shouted into the receiver, "What?! Can this be true? I always suspected him of having foul habits, but this! I knew he would someday fall to such ruin!" Kuno slammed down the phone and stood, crying, "Sasuke! Prepare the Anti-Ranma Attack Program #42831! I must prepare myself for battle…as soon as I conclude my meditations…"

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the house, Kodachi Kuno, the younger sister of Tatewaki, sat in a lounge chair, idly twirling a black gymnast’s ribbon as she listened on a small cellular phone to her brother’s conversation. At the conclusion, the phone dropped from her suddenly nerveless fingers. Trembling, Kodachi stood and stared blankly around her room. After a long silence, tears began to trickle down her cheeks. To the empty room, she said, "I…I always knew that wretched Tendo girl would drive him to despair, but so soon..! Oh my Ranma-sama…to become an alcoholic?!"

Wordlessly, Kodachi turned off the phone that had so recently spewed such vile tales of her beloved’s secret alcoholism and drew a selection of vials from a nearby rack of potions and chemicals. Slipping them into her pocket, she clenched her fist as righteous fire blazed in her dark eyes. "I shall save you from yourself my love, even if I must destroy that wench Akane Tendo to do it!" This said, Kodachi dashed off to her secret laboratory, trailing her distinctive laughter all the way.

**********End Interlude**********

If Ukyou had been happier in recent times, she could not recall the circumstances. For the past three days, she and Ranma had been virtually inseparable, since he had asked her to share his bedroom. The night before this, Kasumi had attempted to creep into Ranma’s bed during the night. Had Ukyou not heard Ranma's struggling to escape the drugged girl’s prehensile arms from down the hall where she had been staying in a guestroom, Kasumi would surely have succeeded in forcing herself on Ranma.

Even now, three days after the initial request, Ukyou could remember Ranma’s exact words. Ukyou, he had said, would you mind sleeping in my room for a while? I can’t keep Kasumi away on my own, and I don’t trust Shampoo alone with me at night. And as if that weren’t enough, my dad’s been staying in a hotel the last couple of nights. To be honest, it’s kind of lonely in there. If you’d rather not, I can- anything else he might have said was cut off when Ukyou agreed and hastily excused herself. Once safely away from her fiancée, she began giggling uncontrollably. The gods loved her! They really loved her! Although she had first felt some mild annoyance that Ranma didn’t consider her woman enough for it to be improper for them to share a room, she quickly switched over to near incoherent joy. He trusted her with his safety! He wanted her company! And most of all, she got to share a room with him! It was too good to be true!

And the best part was, nobody could do anything about it! Akane was gone, Shampoo couldn’t say anything without looking really silly, Nabiki was busy trying to keep things running smoothly, and Genma and Soun were far too distracted to do anything at all. The one time Kasumi had archly pointed out that it was improper for two teenagers of the opposite sexes to share a room, Ranma had grinned and said, "Come on Kasumi, this is Ukyou we’re talking about here! It’s not like she’s Shampoo, or something!"

And in return for his placing trust in her, Ukyou had determinedly refrained from taking advantage of her good luck in any way. But now, after three nights of watching Ranma’s angelic face while he slept, she had decided that it was time to remind Ranma that she was not only most definitely a woman, but also his fiancée as well. It was with this thought in mind that Ukyou excused herself from Ranma’s side for the day to make a quick trip back to her restaurant, which she had closed indefinitely, and her attached apartment. As she left, Ranma waved from the front porch and said nervously, "Come back soon, ‘kay Ucchan?"

Her heart lurching quietly at his words, Ukyou smiled brilliantly and said, "I’ll be back as soon as I can! I should be back for lunch, so be good, and I’ll bring you a couple of okonomiyaki to eat!" She chuckled as his face brightened immediately. Without another word, she ran off, swiftly shifting over to the rooftops to make better time. Had she stayed down at street level, she would have seen Tatewaki Kuno storming towards the Tendo home, waving his ever-present bokken about in a threatening manner.

"The wretch!" He ranted, much as he had for the past three days as he had prepared to face Ranma Saotome in single combat once again. "To force both Akane Tendo and the Pig-tailed Girl to suffer through his no doubt violent drunken rages, to make them carry him to his bed when he has drunk himself insensible! Ohh, it cannot be born! It cannot!" Trailing along after him, Sasuke heaved a sigh and shook his head. This whole fiasco would lead to the master being walloped yet again, and that would mean more trouble for Sasuke. Why can’t Master Kuno be more like he was when he was a child? The diminutive manservant though, He was so much happier then…

As Kuno strode into the front yard of the Tendo home, he spied Kasumi coming outside with laundry she was hanging up, her ever-present bottle of sake lying on it’s side in the basket with the clothes. Kuno recognized the eldest Tendo girl as someone worthy of a certain amount of respect, even if she was a peasant, so he decided that civility would be the truly aristocratic approach. Handing his bokken to Sasuke, Kuno walked towards her and held up his hand in greeting, calling in an imperious voice, "Where is Ranma Saotome?"

Setting down the basket, Kasumi picked up the bottle of sake and took a long swig before saying to Kuno, "That’s what I’d like to know…" Then, she squinted at Kuno for a moment before exclaiming, "Oh, if it isn’t Tatewaki Kuno, the preeminent swordsman…care for a li’l drinkie?" She waved the sake bottle in his general direction. More than a little bothered by this display, Kuno waved away her attempts to hand him the bottle saying with as much politeness as he could muster, "No…no thank you, madam. So, you know not where the drunkard Saotome is?"

Kasumi chuckled as she hung up a shirt on the wash line. "Why do you call him a drunkard?"

Kuno drew himself up and said in his most righteous tone, "I was informed by very reliable sources that Saotome had become an…an…alcoholic…" Kuno trailed off as Kasumi lifted the bottle and took another deep drink of the powerful liquor, and stared at her bemusedly. For her part, Kasumi exhaled noisily and muttered, "You don’t say…"

"I can’t believe you actually trusted a rumor that didn’t come from me!" Kuno scowled and replied, "Nevertheless, I will…ZOUNDS!" Kuno nearly jumped out of his sandals as Nabiki appeared at his left elbow as if by magic, startling him to no end. Kasumi smiled and greeted her younger sister cheerfully. After nodding to her sister, Nabiki repeated, "Why did you actually trust information that didn’t come from me? You know I have the monopoly on information about Ranma. If it didn’t come from me, odds are it isn’t true. You should know that!"

Kuno scowled again and said, "As much as I hate to admit it, you make sense Nabiki Tendo. But still…" Nabiki sighed exasperatedly. "Ranma isn’t an alcoholic!" She snapped, "Nobody is an alcoholic! Do you see any alcoholics here?!" Kuno blinked and said mildly, pointing at Kasumi, "Well, now that you mention it…"

Nabiki glanced at her sister, who had apparently forgotten about the laundry in favor of drinking the sake, and hurriedly said, "It’s medicinal! Right Kasumi?" She looked at her big sister for correlation. Kasumi blinked and said, "I feel fine Nabiki. A little light-headed, but otherwise, I feel fine…" Now sincerely wishing Kuno would go away, Nabiki quickly inserted, "She got hit on the head really hard! And…and that’s why she’s drinking."

For a silent minute, Kuno looked from the sloshed elder Tendo to her noticeably sweating younger sister. Finally, Kuno nodded fiercely and said, "I see. Sasuke!" The ninja servant stepped forward. "Go to the liquor store and buy several bottles of the finest sake! I shall need them for my encounters with Saotome in the future, should he use his foul sorcery on me yet again…Indeed, his evil spells have caused much hurt to this noble head…". Ignoring Nabiki and Sasuke’s facefaults, Kuno nodded a brisk goodbye and strode back out of the yard and down the street, already forgetting the whole encounter he had just concluded.

After Ukyou had left, Ranma had gone to the dojo to practice his katas for a few hours, having little else to do but volunteer himself up to Kasumi for chores, a virtual invitation to the eldest Tendo to waylay him. But of late, Ranma was not sure how bad a thing that would be…

With more force than was necessary, Ranma launched himself into a series of complex backward flip kicks. What was wrong with him?! Kasumi was…was special, even when she was drunk as hell and trying to get into his pants. To do anything to her, or let her do anything to him, would be to betray her in more ways than one. He knew, he knew that if she were in control of herself, she wouldn’t want that. But ye gods, when she cornered him that day in the upstairs hall…Even as Ranma’s body continued the seemingly gravity-defying kata, his mind wandered back a couple of days to the day he had agreed to wash the upstairs windows…

****Flashback****

In exchange for Kasumi’s agreement to cook dinner that night, she had demanded that Soun and Genma clean the downstairs while Ukyou and Nabiki did the shopping. As per the norm, Nabiki tried to barter her way out of actual work, and failed again. With no small amount of worry evident on her face, Ukyou had agreed to go at Ranma’s silent urging from out of Kasumi’s line of sight. The other requirement was that Ranma clean the upstairs windows, which were badly in need of washing. Ranma, confident that he had found a way to perform Kasumi’s chores without having her make a move on him, readily agreed.

The windows in the upstairs hall were, for reasons Ranma was not sure of, different than the ones in the bedrooms. The ones in the bedrooms opened by sliding from the right to the left. But for an as yet undetermined reason, the ones in the hall were the types that opened up and down. Ranma secretly suspected that this was because he had spent so much time hurling people, or being hurled, out of windows, that the Tendos had quietly replaced them with frames that were considerably harder to ruin, due to their sturdy construction. But whatever the reason, Ranma washed them in a way he felt was pure genius.

In a method he had perfected for peering into rooms unobserved, usually when trying to hide from someone who wanted to kill him, Ranma hung upside-down from the gutter outside the window, washing the glass cheerily. If the fact that he was upside-down bothered him, he didn’t show it. So it was that Kasumi found him when she entered the hall.

Ranma spied an upside-down Kasumi walking towards him down the hall, smiling the way she always did when she tried to do something to him. But this time, Ranma felt none of the usual panic as she approached. When she reached the window, he could not resist smiling triumphantly at her vexed expression at his apparent inaccessibility. He had done it! He had found a way to keep Kasumi away from him without any help from Ucchan! Still smiling at the frustrated girl, Ranma waved cheerfully and went on with his washing.

But after a long moment of silent appraisal, Kasumi began to smile in a way that made Ranma forget his previous euphoria in a flash of terror. Kasumi winked at him and stretched to reach the top half of the window. With a click, it slid down, leaving Ranma’s lower body undefended. Ranma stared in apprehension at the girl who was rapidly turning his life into a passable imitation of Hell. He heard her voice float out to him through the open window. "You know Ranma," She said in a thoughtful voice, "At first, I had hoped you would be a quick and easy guy to get into bed. But for the past two weeks, I have forced myself to stay here and not go out and snag some nice-looking guy, or girl, for a quickie. Do you know why?"

Ranma mutely shook his head and prayed the answer wasn’t what he knew it had to be. Kasumi reached up and placed her hand familiarly against his knee. "Because I’ve decided I have to know how the world’s best young martial artist is in bed. I want you Ranma. And what I want I will get." This said, she began moving her hand upwards, in the manner she had learned made Ranma very nervous. Ranma almost winced, and immediately began trying to twist away from her. But as soon as he did, Kasumi halted him by pressing her hand to his thigh warningly. "Don’t," She said, "You might fall. Just be still and enjoy it."

Her hand roamed higher as her voice became gentler, more seductive. "Why resist so much? There isn’t anyone to see us. Ukyou and Nabiki are still at the store, and I just sent our fathers to the liquor store. Nobody will see. Just relax and enjoy it…" By now, Ranma’s face had turned a rather comical shade of purple. Ranma could feel the blood rushing to his head. With his eyes closed, Ranma hesitated, then hesitated some more. Kasumi smiled triumphantly, taking this for a silent "yes", and moved her hand higher…*CLANG*

Ranma groaned weakly and slid from his inverted perch to the ground twenty feet below, the can of peas that had struck him still embedded in the back of his skull. A decidedly startled Kasumi looked down into the yard. Below her stood Nabiki, still holding two bags of groceries. Out of Kasumi’s range of vision, Ukyou dragged her stunned fiancée into the training hall, grunting between tugs at Ranma’s limp body, "Damn it all Ranma, <oof>, why can’t you show just a little self-control?"

****End Flashback****

With a deep, even feral growl, Ranma completed his kata, landing on the floor in a crouch. To his annoyance, Ranma found he was as wound up as ever, spurred on by the very thought of Kasumi’s near-successful attack. And after such a strenuous kata too…Ranma took a deep breath and launched into another series of attacks, this time a combination of lightning-fast punches, sweeps, and halfway liquid feints and rolls.

After several minutes of this, Ranma was pleased to find that he had broken out in a light sheen of sweat. Thus encouraged, he redoubled his speed. In mid-maneuver however, Ranma heard an all too familiar sound that sent shivers up and down his spine: "Ohohohohohohohohohoho!"

Ranma froze as two slender arms enveloped his chest from behind. Neck creaking alarmingly, Ranma slowly peered over his shoulder, directly into the face of a smiling Kodachi Kuno, a sight to chill the blood of the most hardened warrior. Showing typical Ranma wisdom, he yelped and jumped straight up and latched onto the ceiling, shivering violently.

Below him, Kodachi, dressed in her gymnast’s leotard for reasons evident only to her, smiled up at her beloved and twirled her ever-present ribbon. "Oh Ranma-sama," She said, "I am delighted that you are so excited to see me. Now, do come down from there." Ranma shook his head violently and babbled, "No way no way no way no way!"

A tiny frown crossed Kodachi’s perfect, if malevolent face before vanishing to be replaced by a sad smile. "Do not worry my love, for your cruel words do not wound me. I know it is the drink talking, and not truly your own feelings." Ranma blinked. "Drink?" He repeated confusedly. Kodachi’s smile became warm and forgiving. "There is no need to deny anything, my love. I know all about the alcohol."

Ranma froze, still peering over his shoulder from the ceiling, immediately thinking, Shit! I’m dead! If Kodachi knows about Kasumi so does the rest of Nerima! In a weak voice, Ranma said, "You do?" Kodachi nodded placidly and responded. "Of course I do darling. Not that I blame you though." She sniffed haughtily as she went on, "Being engaged to that girl would drive any man to the bottle. I certainly don’t know how you’ve persevered this long…"

Ranma resisted an initial urge to laugh. Kodachi thought he was a drunk! But then he froze once again as the thought truly hit home. Wait, Ranma thought, If Kodachi believes I’m a drunk, who else has heard this? Oh kami, I’m not out of the woods yet… Ranma said, as calmly as he could, "I’m not a drunk Kodachi. I think you heard a bad rumor. You know I’m not that kind of guy."

With a slightly melancholy sigh, Kodachi slipped a vial from her pocket and said, "My love, I told you, there is no need to lie. I do not feel that this diminishes your honor in the least, nor does anyone else." Ranma raised an eyebrow guardedly and asked, " ‘Anyone else’? Who else knows about this?" Kodachi cheerfully responded, "Oh, most of Nerima by now." Ranma made a choking sound and fell from the ceiling to land in a heap on the floor. Most of the neighborhood thought he was a drunk?!

Kodachi rushed over to him and moved him into a sitting position. She held up the vial and said in a comforting tone as she ran her fingers through Ranma’s hair, "Fear not my love, for I, your savior and worshipper, have found a cure for your condition." Gesturing to the vial, she said, "This is a potion that will cure any alcohol-related affliction known to man. Drink this, and you will be as good as new!"

Ranma’s eyes shot wide open. He leaped to his feet, thinking, If I get Kasumi to drink that, she’ll be cured! Akane will never have to know what I got her sister into, and I get out from having to dodge Kasumi every waking minute! Ranma said in a rush, "Kodachi, I admit it, I’m a drunk, and I need that potion!"

He lunged for the glass vial, but Kodachi scooted deftly to one side as Ranma moved towards her. She held it out of reach and said in a lofty tone, "Now now, my love. If I give you this, you must grant me a small boon, to show your devotion to me." Ranma rolled his eyes and asked impatiently, "Like what?" Kodachi smiled brightly and said, "Make love to me!" Ranma facefaulted, thinking, What the hell is this, some sort of hentai manga?!

Kodachi was still speaking. "Through this act, we shall be tied to one another in such a way that none may tear us apart, ever." Her near-crazed eyes grew serious for a moment as she said, "Ranma my love, I know that I unnerve you." Ranma blinked and looked up from his spot on the floor, startled by this flash of awareness on Kodachi’s part. "Well…yeah." He said. Kodachi nodded, and said, "Men are often put off by women as direct and forthright as I." She clasped her hands before her and took on a look of great determination. "I had thought you would appreciate a woman to match your strength. Very well." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Ranma unconsciously moved towards her. But Kodachi closed her eyes and, with a deft twirl, wrapped her ribbon around her clasped wrists. "If you wish…" She said quietly, "You may tie me up!"

Ranma choked and facefaulted again. It was at this point that Ukyou walked into the training hall, a backpack over her shoulder and a box of okonomiyaki in her hand, and said, "Ranma, Nabiki said you were out here, so I…" She trailed off as she took in the scene, Kodachi kneeling before Ranma with her hands bound, Ranma looking more than a little surprised to see Ukyou. The warrior chef stared at Kodachi, who opened her eyes to stare back with more than a little annoyance. "Ranma-sama," She said, "What is this…this harridan doing in your home?"

Ukyou clenched her fist as her aura began to flicker with her rage. "Harridan, am I?" She growled. With murder in her eyes, she stalked towards Kodachi, who, much to her own alarm, found that with her hands bound, she was at a distinct disadvantage. Ranma backed up, saying, "Ucchan…um, maybe you should calm down a little…" But Ukyou paid him no mind as she lifted Kodachi’s struggling form and javelin-tossed her out the window with a crash of shattering glass. As Kodachi sailed off into the distance, she called, "Ranma-sama, remember my offer!"

With a curse, Ranma snapped his fingers and said to himself, "Shoot! I forgot the vial!" Ukyou rounded on him and demanded, "What was she doing here?" Ranma held up his hands placatingly. "She had heard somewhere that it was me who had the drinking problem, so she came to cure me. Ucchan, she had a potion she had made that can cure anything alcohol-related! If we can get it, we can cure Kasumi!" In an instant, Ukyou forgot her earlier anger. "Well, why didn’t you grab it?" Ranma’s face turned slightly green as he said, "She said I had to sleep with her to get it."

Ranma desperately tried to hold Ukyou back as she prepared to go after Kodachi to kill her. Holding onto his friend’s shirt back, Ranma desperately said, "Wait! Wait! We can just sneak into her house tonight and steal it, right?" Ukyou paused. She turned to Ranma, who let go of her shirt with a sigh of relief. She smiled excitedly and said, "That’s right! We can just sneak in and grab it while she’s asleep. It’ll be like taking candy from a baby. That’s a great idea Ran-chan." Ranma sweated a little as he thought of the multitude of traps in the Kuno home. Well, a heavily armed, psychotic baby anyway…He thought to himself. Ranma smiled back at Ukyou weakly and mumbled, "Baby…yeah…easy…"