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STORY TWO: Goldilocks and the Three Youkai
Classification: Slight spoof, slight scenes of
yaoi
~~~~~~~
Disclaimer: All characters, situations and places
pertaining to Yu*Yu*Hakusho are copyrighted
and owned by Tagashi-san and Shonen Jump Weekly.
Exceptions to this is the character of Yo-mawari and the lands of Yomatsu
Hara-Sakai, which are owned by me!
Goldilocks and the Three Bears is a fairy tale,
but I can't remember who it's considered copyrighted
under! Sorry, but whoever owns the copyrights
have absolutely no affiliation whatsoever with this piece.
~~~~~~
GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE YOKAI
by: Cricket
and WhiteCat-chan
CAST BRIEFING ...
... or, What Did You Do This Time?!
Yusuke eyed the closed script
nervously as he entered the set; somehow, the fact that he was called on-set
for "Goldilocks" worried him immensely... but not as much as the fact that
Cricket had announced she was taking on an assitant director. He
tried to guess who it would be; Katchan? She was a good writer - hell,
she'd even given him a whole story to star in with Keiko - but the fairy
tales *she* wrote ... he shuddered and banished the thought.
None of the other fanfic writers
really had any favor with him... so who the hell could it be? He
mentaly coached himself, trying to bring up some flavor of optimism into
his brain ... they wouldn't DARE!!
Cricket was seated in her
directors chair, flipping through the script impatiently, ticking off certain
parts with a huge, pink highlihter. She glanced briefly at him as
he entered her view, then gestured silently for him to follow the costumers
... on his way, he passed Yo-mawari and Hiei, but there was no sign of
Kurama ...
... until a door opened in
his face. He stumbled backwards with a garbled "Yaaaaah!", quickly rubbing
his now-sore nose. Yusuke grumbled lowly, complaining as he did best,
and looked up ... and blinked a few times, jaw dropping way past his shoulders
at what he saw.
Kurama flashed an impish smile
and winked. "Well? How do I look?" he asked coyly, twirling to show off
the full skirt of the
blue, flowery dress that framed his perfect figure.
Yusuke fell over in mock-death, staring blankly at the ceiling, gurgling
something uncomprehendable. Kurama raised an eyebrow and watched
his friend wallow on the floor for a short while before he leaned over
him and called his name. "Yuusuke? Yuusuke-kun?"
"I think he's in shock," Yo-ma
said dryly, appearing through the door behind his twin. "Do you know how
*weird* it is, seeing someone who looks so much like me in a dress?"
Kurama made a face, (since
face-faulting is obviously something Kurama could not do gracefully) wrinkling
his nose at the tall figure . The two exchanged a typical sibling-rivalry
glance then Yo-mawari quickly brushed past them. "Come on. The sooner everybody
gets back, the sooner we find out who our lovely director roped in to help
her scream and yell and make everyone's life miserable."
They ended up having to drag
the still-dazed Yusuke back to where Cricket was pacing impatiently, wearing
a path through the wooden floor of the sound stage. She raised an eyebrow
at Kurama's dress and the blank, swirly-eyed look on Yuusuke's face, but
said nothing as she crossed her arms and began to talk. "Okay! Everyone!
Like I said, we're gettin' a new assistant director ... she's new at this,
period ... so I expect that you all will be *nice* -" she stressed
the word, glaring at Hiei, who glowered back, "and helpful when she comes.
Okay?"
Silence.
Cricket could hear her fellows
chirping in the background, silently warning the cast about her hair-trigger
anger. Cricket
glared each one of the members down, reaching
evilly behind her back for something. "OKAY?!!!!!!" she screammed, this
time
through the Sonic-Boom Megaphone she so proudly
wielded. The wind from the single word blew everyone back - even Hiei,
who flew back and sat blinking at her from atop one of the lights as the
winds calmed down. She raised the megaphone again, prepared to ask them
all one more time, then stopped when a chorus of agreements followed
her action.
She smiled sweetly, stowing the
megaphone, taking on an overly innocent fascade. "Good." She turned and
opened the door.
"WhiteCat-chan, you can come in now."
Nothing happened. The whole
cast and crew craned their necks around, trying to be the first to see
their new assistant director, when ...
... from behind them, a girl's
voice spoke up. "Oi. What's everyone looking at?"
Everyone turned around and
facefaulted. There was a young girl there, one that Yusuke, Kurama, and
Hiei vagely remembered from a few months ago, staring at them innocently.
She wasn't very tall - maybe a few inches taller than Hiei - and
she was dressed completely in perfect white. If that wasn't a dead give-away
of who she was, the big black letters that read "WhiteCat-chan desu" on
the back of her shirt was.
She blinked at the collective
look she got. "What? What I'd do?" she asked, edging away from them. Cricket
recovered first, darting forward and grabbing her friend's hand, dragging
her through the crowd that everyone else has formed.
"Director's conference!!"
she called. "Yusuke, get your arse into a dressing room and get changed!
Kurama, stop teasing Hiei! Hiei, I want you to put that sword *up*! Yo-ma,
do something constructive! Don't stand there like an idiot, honey!
MOVE!" she barked, sparking a chain reaction as the crew moved at once
to obey her orders, crashing into each other and causing a tangled pile
of bodies on the floor. Cricket and WhiteCat both developed a little sweatdrop
on the top of their heads, then bent together, whispering hurriedly.
Yusuke extracted himself from
the puddle, then limped towards the dressing room with his name on it.
He eyed the tacked-on gold star suspiciously; this didn't bode well with
him. He pushed the door open with a powerful shove .... and prompltly face-faulted.
Lying neatly laid out on the make-up table lay a frilly, lacey and utterly
PINK dress ... complemented by a large, styled blonde wig. Yusuke
stared at the costume so neatly laid out for him, pristine and pressed.
He facefaulted again, sweatdropped, then turned red. Leaning out
of his doorway, he called in mock-sweetness, "Who decided the costumes
for this production?"
Cricket blinked, then raised
her hand, waving with a playful smile.
Yusuke's grin turned feral.
"C'mere. I got a bone to pick with you."
SCENE ONE: The house of the Three Little Yokai
Yo-mawari clanged the lid on the
porridge pot loudly, watching it clatter around before settling into position.
He gave the pot a satisfied smile and rubbed his hands together, turning
from the stove.
Hiei and Kurama sat together on
top of the large, wooden table, Kurama nicely showing off his slender figure
in a fitting, blue-flowered dress, Hiei fiddling with a large PINK pacifier
and grumbling to himself.
Papa Yo-ma held back a chuckle,
receiving a menacing glare from Baby-Hiei, the fire demon shooting invisible
daggers across the room. Yo-mawari dodged the daggers and spoke his
lines. "So... let's go for a picnic!" From out of nowhere, Yo-mawari
whipped out a large picnic basket, wielding it proudly before him and smiled
"What's a picnic?" Hiei puttered
out from behind the PINK pacifier. He glared at Yo-mawari's cheerful expression,
muttering something about wishing he had never heard about fairy
tales, his language going from complaining to obscene before Kurama cuffed
him lightly on the back of the head.
Mama-Kurama smiled widely, leaning
over and resting his head on the youkai's stiff, black hair. "It's
really fun ..." he winked impishly, drawing a groan from Baby-Hiei, who
folded his arms and glared, sucking the pacifier petulantly. Mama-Kurama
laughed and kissed his nose, which only made Hiei wrinkle his forehead
and glare.
Papa Yo-ma cleared his throat
and slung the picnic basket over his shoulder. "By the time we get back,
the porridge should be done."
"What's porridge?" Hiei grumbled
sullenly, still obviously upset. Whether it was over the pacifier
or the fact that Kurama was tickling his sides and he couldn't retaliate,
no one could tell.
WhiteCat poked Cricket in the side. "I thought you said Kurama was giving
him lessong about things in the human world that we plan to be using so
we didn't have him asking stupid questions like that!"
Cricket glared back, rubbing her sore side. "So he *said*," she huffed,
gesturing to Kurama's actions with his "son". She crossed her arms across
her chest and glared back at the set.
Hiei frantically fended
the man in the blue dress off, swatting at the wandering hands like an
annoying fly, wiggling out from under his strong grip. "Yer supposed
to be my mom, NOT my ..." Baby-Hiei trailed off, gnawing on the pink
pacifier. "Never mind."
Kurama smiled sweetly before
swinging Hiei up like the baby he was supposed to be playing and bundled
him out the door, almost leaving Yo-mawari and their picnic behind.
Yusuke bounced along
with a forced smile on his face, succeeding only in looking constipated
as he skipped up the forest
path, swinging a small basket back and forth.
Adorning his head was a big, boofy blonde wig, the curls flopping about
his head and face as he skipped. Throughout the whole ordeal, he was mentally
sharpening the knife for both his directors, the smile on his face becoming
more real as he imagined just exactly how those two would suffer before
they died ...Yusuke continued to bounce along, the smile growing larger
and wider ... truning the innocently cute Goldilocks to an evilly plotting
young man in a ridiculouse costume.
Just up the path, he spotted a small
log cabin nestled sweetly between a few trees. He skipped to
a halt, adjusting the
ridiculous wig on his head. "Oh joy ...
a cabin!" he squeaked in a false soprano, putting his hands to his cheek
and fluttering his lashes "cutely." Digging around in his basket, he came
out with a single apple. His stomach grumbled in protest, demanding it's
daily supply of fill from the blonde. "Maybe there's something decent
to eat in there!"
*KNOCK KNOCK!*
Yusuke waited patiently, tapping
a foot as he nonchalantly looked around the foresty glade. "Oh!
Guess no one's home!" He drew back, bundling up the skirt and
petticoat of the pink dress, revealing jeans underneath, and kicked the
door in with one expertly landed blow.
The door fell fat in, echoing a
resounding KATHUMP through the house. Yusuke made a big 'Oppsy!'
face, glad for the lessons Ranma-chan had been giving him in "girl kawaiiness,"
and stepped carefully in.
In the center of the room ... most
likely the kitchen ... sat a large oak table with three chairs .. on absolutely
HUMONGOUS chair at the head of the table, a smaller wooden chair beside
it, filled with carved roses, and a smaller chair nestled neatly beside
that one.
Yusuke shrugged, tugging the blonde wig
back into place. Something was cooking ... smelled like .. "Oatmeal?"
He glanced
around nervously, peering into the darkness
of the outer set, and noticed WhiteCat frantically waving a large
white sign around. "Podige?" he asked in confusion, raising a hand
to his brow, shielding the overhead lights.
"Porridge!" someone cued from
off-stage"
"Uh ... porridge!" Yusuke corrected loudly,
wiggling about in the dress. He crossed the room and took the top off the
pot. It
smelled delicious .. like fresh baked hot-apple
pie. His favorite!
"CUUUUT!!!"
Everybody
stopped and stared at WhiteCat, who was now brandishing a bottle of whipping
cream. "Okay ... hold still, Yuusuke-kun," she instructed, pushing the
little button down and accidently spraying Yuusuke all over his face.
"oops ..."
He
sighed in resignition, accepted her proffered towel, and wiped his face
clean. "Be more carefuly next - gak!" This time, her aim hit on-target,
filling his mouth with the white foamy stuff. She grinned and settled back
into her chair.
Cricket
raised her megaphone. "Aaaaaaaaand ... Action!"
Foaming
at the mouth like a rabid dog, Yusuke scooped up the three bowls that were
set beside the pot, forgetting to keep the "cute" act going ... Whipped
cream plopped out of his mouth, landing on the front of the costume, all
over the stove and peppered the floor below him. He shrugged, whiping
a hand across his mouth and looked the three bowels over ... one
ridiculously HUGE bowl, a smaller bowl, scribbled
in roses and a small, plain bowl. Yusuke quickly filled each bowl
with the apple-pie smelling food, loading his arms full ... and turned
to the table.
"The BIG chair!" he nodded,
crossing the room and setting all three bowls before the chair. With
a great leap, he climbed the side of the chair, settling nicely in it,
instantly stuffing his face full with the apple-porridge.
In no time flat he emptied the bowl,
shoving it out before him with a satisfied 'aaaaahhhhhhhh!!'
*Grumble grumble*
"Whoops! Still hungry."
He reached for the smaller bowl scribbled with roses ... but found it just
out of reach. With a smirk, Yusuke pushed himself over the arm of
the enormous chair, slinking down into the smaller one, decorated in rose
carvings. In his exodus from the large chair, he somehow managed
to push the thing over, sending it smashing to the floor in a huge THUMP!,
taking him down with it. He blinked from his position on the floor a few
times, shaking his head to make sure nothing had come loose before remembering
he had lines at this part ...
"Whoops! Oh well!" he
shrugged, and hoisted himself to his feet, ploping down in the rose-scribbled
chair, preceding to load shovel-fulls of the porridge into his mouth ...
sooner than the last, it was completely gone.
The last and smallest bowl sat comfortably
before the tiny, slim chair. "Aw, heck .. why not!" He pushed
himself from the table, sending the rose-scribbled chair tumbling backwards.
"Hmm..."
Yusuke regarded the chair with a look
then turned to nestle snugly into the small chair.
Soon, the porridge was being heaped
into his mouth ...
*kreek ...*
Yusuke paid no attention to the
noise, continuing to stuff his big mouth full of food ..
*Ker EEEEKK*
Yusuke froze as the chair continued
to kreek and groan under his weight. "Uh oh!" he muffled, spitting
porridge around the
table.
KAAABOOOMM!!
The chair shattered under his weight,
splintering into a million pieces, sending him crashing to his butt on
the floor. "OUCH!!!" Yusuke flailed on the floor, rolling to
prop himself on his feet, dusting off the pink frilly dress. "Uhgh ...
my achin' backside! Gotta go lie down!
As he tromped up the stairs, he
made a mental note to himself to never call Keiko anything deragatory
when it came to grace or anything of the like ever again. How the hell
could she *walk* in these stupid shoes, anyway? And the skirt ... ick ...
he shuddered, and continued up the stairs.
The first bed was absolutely immense,
towering above Yusuke a good ten feet. "You're kiddin, right?"
he said to himself, walking over to the ladder. He sighed and began
to climb, occasionally stepping on the stupid pink dress before he made
it up to the actual bed itself. It was like a front lawn ... stretching
nicely out before him for a goor ten feet in every direction. He
stepped out onto the bed, feeling it undulate and shift under his weight,
leaving little foot-indentations on the neatly kept green bed spread.
"Hmm ... not too sharp on heights myself ... " he looked over the edge
of the bed, seeing a deep red blanket and rose-shaped pillows about 4 feet
below.
"Heh heh .. BONZAI!!" Yusuke leapt
off the huge bed, sailing though the air, the pink dress flying up and
blocking his vision...
KERAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSHHHHHH!! Thud!
Yusuke hit the deep red bed, busting
the mattress clean though the bed frame, sinking down below the shattered
rails. "Heh... oops! How'm I gonna explain that one?"
He began to lift himself from the bed and noticed two differently-shaped
indentions in the sheets and shook his head. "I don't want to know, I *don't*
want to know ..."
He shrugged and crawled quickly
out ... the last bed looked perfect. Set in deep black, it looked
just like a normal bed .... not so huge that you needed to be air-lifted
to it, not so frail and RED that you felt like you were sleeping in a rose
patch ... just right!
Mama-Kurama had Hiei settled comfortably
in his lap atop the blue, flowery dress, playing with his hair, ticking
his neck ... being randomly swatted at by the little youkai. He attempted
to plait the stiff black hair into a French braid, but found it impossible
... so he just mussed it up and laughed at his results.
Yo-Mawari checked an imaginary watch
and stood to his feet. "Porridge should be done! Let's head
home!"
Mama-Kurama pouted as Hiei stood
quickly to his feet, chewing away on the large pink pacifier. The
two exchanged a look as Hiei helped Kurama to his feet, and they gathered
the picnic stuff and headed home.
The Three Yokai walked conversing
along the path up to their little cabin, seeing it nestled sweetly between
some trees as they came up. But upon approaching the house, they
found that the door had been kicked in.
"VANDALS!!" Hiei yelled, quickly
unsheathing his katana.
"Now now ... baby's shouldn't play
with swords!" Mama-Kurama grinned widely, taking the katana gently from
Hiei, giving him a loving peck on the cheek. Hiei growled lowly,
grumbling... crossing his arms rebelliously across his chest.
Cricket
blinked rapidly, staring at the blade in Kurama's hands. "Where did the
little guy get that?!" she hissed at WhiteCat, who spread her hands helplessly.
"I want to know how he did that! If I could do that, I'd never have to
worry about exams again!"
WhiteCat
winked. "Or plane tickets?"
"Yeah!"
The two directors high-fived, then continued watching their production.
Yo-mawari stepped inside, looking
around the wrecked kitchen. Quickly he walked to the table and stood
over his huge, over turned chair. "Hm ... I think someone's been
sitting in my chair!"
Mama-Kurama tugged his chair up
from the floor. "Someone's been sitting in my chair too!"
Hiei kicked around the splintered
remnants of his chair with a grunt, shoving his hands dep into his pockets.
"Some lard-ass has been sittin' in my chair ... damn near broke the floor
too!"
Papa Yo-ma chewed on his bottom
lip, reaching across the table and taking up his bowl. "And someone's
been eating out of my bowl."
Mama-Kurama shadowed the action,
showing his brother his bowl. "Mine too."
Hiei snorted, tossing his bowl back
to the table. "Some pig's been eatin' outta my bowl too ... got porridge
on the floor ...on the table .. on what's left of the chair ..."
Yo-mawari yawned. "Oh well
... we'll clean it up in the morning. BED TIME!!"
Kurama smiled a playfully smile,
receiving a groan from Hiei.
Yo-mawari expertly climbed the ladder
to his bed, poking his head up over the framework. His smile turned
to a frown as he saw foot prints walking neatly
across his bed. "YO! Hey down there! Someone's been ...
er ... walking on my bed!"
Below, Kurama crossed his arms across
his chest, regarding the smashed remnants of his bed with a smirk.
"Yeah! Well, it looks like someone used my bed as a landing pad!"
"Well, there's some moron SLEEPING
in my bed! Can I kill 'im??" Hiei snarled, barring his fangs.
The Three Yokai all gathered around
the bed, watching the sleeping blonde in the pink dress. Yo-mawari
counted to the
others silently. One ... two ... three
...
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
all three of the screamed to the blonde lump.
"WAAAAAAAAHH!!!" the blonde lump
leapt straight out of bed, crashing to the floor beside in a large, painful
thump.
Kurama and Yo-mawari both hit the
floor, laughing in hysterics... Hiei simply grunted, watching the blonde
lump try to pull itself to its feet. "Baka. Crazy kitsune's."
Yo-mawari regained his composure,
rising to his feet and pulling Kurama up with him. Together, the
Three Yokai watched the blonde lump get to its feet and turned around ...
"Yu .. Yu ...Yusuke???" Kurama gasped
... and fought back a smirk
"Ah, shut up!" he yelled,
adjusting the blonde wig.
One by one ... even little Hiei
... the yokai's began to snicker... the snickers growing into laughter
.. the laughter growing into fits of hysterics, until finally the entire
stage, cast and crew were rolling over the floor, pointing fingers at Yusuke
in the ridiculous outfit. WhiteCat and Cricket
were leaning back-to-back, giggling insanely, each of them holding a camera
and snapping pictures, which only made Yusuke's face go redder.
"AH!! SHUT UP!!!" He bellowed.
He ripped the wig off and tossed it to the floor, glaring down the entire
sound-stage ... only increasing the laughters.
WhiteCat grinned evilly, then gestured
to Cricket. The two put their heads together, their low conversation drowned
out by the laughter. "So ... what story are we gonna do next?"
Cricket smiled evilly ... the greas
of her yaoi-filled brain begining to spin. "Hmm ... dunno ... " The
two directors exchanged and equally knowing glance and busted up laughing
again along with the entire sound stage.
(c) July, 1997 by Cat and Cricket Presses
Cricket, Director
WhiteCat, Assistant Director
This is a work of fiction: Any similarities to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
We have received absolutely NO compensation for
this fic at all, we're simply fans writing for enjoyment for other fans,
so
please don't sue us! In the event that
this, or any other work of mine receives a disapproval from Tagashi-san,
I will gladly pull it off the internet to avoid a lawsuit
.
