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Game
Written by Moerae
Will I be able to leave you like this?
And if I did… will you ever forgive me?
Kurama leaned over a small form who was sleeping soundly beside him and gently brought white cotton sheet that has fallen off the bed to cover the pale body. And as he watched the slumbering form of his lover he couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if he were to just disappear and never come back again. Would… would his silent lover ever forgive him if he does that? Or… would his lover just wipe every memory they shared and go on pretending that he doesn’t have any heart to care?
Everything was supposed to be just a game.
His entire life… his love… everything was supposed to be just a game that can end whenever he gets tired of it.
But… when did it stop being a game and become a reality he never dreamed of?
As a youko he chose lovers only because it amused him to see those faces that were once filled with exuberant life change into that of pain and anguish at realization that he’ll never be theirs…. Maybe it was a jealousy that he made him do such things. What he couldn’t feel… he didn’t want anyone else to feel as well. Even as he held them… even as he whispered words of love, he well knew what he was saying wouldn’t last for long… that he was lying his way into their hearts only to see them break down into thousands of pieces when they find out the truth. It didn’t matter to him if they wanted to find out the truth or not… if they didn’t, then the game just became more interesting… and that was all he could possibly care about.
But now… it was different.
Maybe the change inside him began when he first recognized Shiori as his mother. Before… his only thought regarding her was that she was a naive, innocent human whom he need to survive during his short life as a human. But after that accident… he began to wonder about reason why she has risked herself to rescue another. After all… she wouldn’t be able to feel the pain he would have gone though if he did land on those broken pieces so… why did she risk her own well-being for someone who wasn’t her? And… was she only one who was willing to do such thing for another?
…And so he began observing humans in hope of answering questions that were quickly filling his mind.
But… as he watched them… his confusion only grew.
Unlike what he expected Shiori wasn’t only one who was willing to do such self-sacrificing act for another. It was true that there weren’t that many who seemed to genuinely care about other as much as she did… but many were like her to certain degree. It maybe just a small thing such as giving another a gift or doing a person small favor, but it didn’t change the fact that lots of human did things that didn’t really concern their well being. In fact they often had to give up something of their own in order to provide for other… yet… why did they look so much happier than he who never had to do such thing? Shouldn’t he be the one who should have such contented expression? But why… why them? Why those inferior humans? Why them and not him?
And when he couldn’t find the answer despite how long he observed he decided he would have a little game to see if he’s even capable of feeling these things humans call 'love'… and that’s when he met Hiei.
When he first saw Hiei, his only thought concerning small youkai was that he would make an interesting toy that can be played with and that it would be fun if he can make that cold youkai beg for his love just like any other. That was all he thought… or at least that’s what he had believed until recently.
How could he have known then that what he was attempting to start was one game that he couldn’t win?
As a youko he should have known better than to do such thing as gambling with one’s own emotions. He should have not started a game if he wasn’t sure he would be the one who will come out as a winner… yet something about Hiei made him ignore the warning. And now… he wasn’t sure if he should be happy about it or regret that they have ever met….
First thing he chose to do after choosing Hiei as the one was befriending him. Friendship to some extent was something he could understand and have felt and… if what humans said about 'love' is true then he may be able to feel 'love' eventually by letting friendship grow.
But Hiei was cold creature just like his youko self. He didn’t trust anyone and it took him years of patience in order to get a glimpse of what was hidden beneath walls of ice. Why he didn’t give up earlier despite number of times Hiei rejected his offer friendship he didn’t know… but maybe he subconsciously realized that Hiei might be only one who could actually make him feel anything closed to ‘love’ for Hiei was only one who made him feel as if he wasn’t alone in this world….
So everytime he felt like giving up he just told himself that he can not because he was Youko Kurama and that he would never lose in a game even… even if the opponent was himself.
And eventually… Hiei began to trust him… and he too began trusting Hiei in return. It was something he hasn’t really expected to happen yet… he could always tell himself that these strange things he was feeling whenever he was with Hiei was only part of the game and that everything was going according to his supposed plan.
So he continued like that for years… and very slowly friendship between two began to change into something alien to both.
And on that night when Hiei came to him and they first made love he was able to feel what it was like to be happy for first time in his life. It wasn’t as if he did anything different from other times he made love with his other lovers… yet having Hiei in his arms as his lover instead of having him as only friend made him feel just… happy… and he believed that it was what people called ‘love’.
He had felt love, began to believe that their love would last forever… and so for a short while he believed without a doubt that he had won the game. But… but now he wasn’t sure if he did….
He… loved Hiei… and because he loved him he began to regret beginning the game.
Ever since they became lovers, Hiei never asked him what might happen in the future… what might happen when his human body dies. He believes without a doubt that he will return to his youko form and that he’ll remain by his side even after his existence as human ends but….
Hiei… what would you say if I told I won’t be able to do so no matter how much I pray for it?
Hiei… what would you say if I told you my life as youkai has already expired and that this short existence as human was all I have left?
Will you hate me?
Will you leave me?
He only has few decades left until his existence as ‘Kurama’ ends. Few decades… to humans it might be more than enough, but to Hiei… to a youkai who can live thousands of years, it’s nothing more than a fleeting moment.
He should tell Hiei the truth or should let him go so that he won’t hurt as much when time comes… yet his fear of losing what has now became so precious to him stopped him from doing so.
Being unable to see him…
Being unable to hold him…
He waited so long to meet Hiei so now that he has him… he didn’t know how to let go of him. He has forgotten how to live by himself… he has forgotten how to live without caring… he has forgotten how to live without loving….
So much easier for him to forget about everything and think only about present with Hiei, but sometimes… sometimes on night like this he finds himself praying to the silent world that it would forgive him for his selfishness… and that it would be kind to his lover after he part from this world.
But despite that… if he is given chance to choose whether to start the
game called ‘love’ or not, then without hesitation he would choose to love
again. Even if he will regret it later on… even if the love may end
one day… just the memory that he was able to love someone… that was enough
for him to risk everything… even himself….
