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Forgiveness
Written by Moerae
Kurama…
Liar…
Are you happy now?
Are you happy to see me like this?
But I hope you suffer… I hope you suffer in eternity because you… you are the one who broke down the walls that once protected me… you are one who dragged me out into a cold world where you knew you couldn’t stay….
“Hey, wake up. Wake up already, okay? I thought I wasn’t that hard on you or… was I?” An unfamiliar voice calls me and as I open my eyes I am greeted by equally unfamiliar face. And at first I couldn’t recall who this stranger was but as my eyes fell on the dark tattered clothing that I recognized as mine strewn across the floor that I remembered what has happened last night.
We met… he bought me… and we had sex.
It was just like every other night… so it didn’t surprise me one bit that I failed to recognize this stranger.
After all… he was nothing but a customer who just happen to need a sex partner for the night and I just happen to need someone to occupy my thoughts for the moment as well. He was no one special… and so there was no need for me to remember what he looked liked or what his name was in the first place.
“Hey kid, you okay? Are you sick?” The owner of the voice calls me again, yet I just choose to ignore his useless questions.
Worried, isn’t he?
I can clearly see that from way he is fidgeting his fat fingers around the dirtied bed sheet….
He’s probably worried that I’ll ruin his social reputation or whatever most ningens deemed important.
“Kiddo… about last night… just forget anything happened, okay? I mean it’s not entirely my fault… you followed me home. It’s not like I forced you, right?” The man began to babble on again and I toy with idea of killing him just to shut his incessant chattering, but I decide against it. I don’t want Reikai to track me down after all.
But damn… did he have to be so loud and noisy?
Maybe I should have chosen the silent one instead.
But on other hand… that guy looked too much like someone else I… used to know so maybe I made right choice after all….
When it looked as if he was going to continue on, I just gave him a small reassuring smile and began to gather up my clothes.
“Oh thank you! My friend was right! He did say you make wonderful partner after all. I knew I could trust him! I always wanted….” Unlike what I expected, he became even more talkative and began talking about just how much he wanted to do this and that. After few minutes of listening to his mindless chatter, I sigh softly as I realized there would be no end to it until one of us leaves the room so I quickly head for the bathroom and shut the heavy wooden door after me.
As soon as I securely locked the door I immediately head for the shower and for few long minutes I closed my eyes and just let the hot water soak me completely. And without even realizing so I began wishing that it would perhaps… just perhaps cleanse me of everything… even my memories.
Kurama…
How do you feel to know what was once belonged to only you can be bought easily with just few words and worthless money that I don’t even need?
How do you feel to see me freely giving them smiles that I had once given to you and only you?
Is this what you wanted to see after leaving just like that?
If that is so… then you must be really happy right now, aren’t you? This must be what you wanted to see, ne Kurama?
You must have… or you wouldn’t have left me like that.
Without any warning… you left… only never to come back again.
If you knew… if you knew this would happen… then why did you offer me the dreams that I have never dreamt of before?
I waited… I waited so long after you left for you to come back again… yet you never did.
When I asked Koenma, his only answer was “I’m sorry.”
That’s not what I wanted to hear… that’s not what I waited so long to hear….
Liar…
That’s all you are… and I should have known that you would trick me one way or another when I found out that you were notorious Youko Kurama.
So maybe… maybe this is punishment for believing you so easily… maybe… maybe this is my punishment for believing for a second that perhaps happiness can be mine.
Liar…
I hate you….
…I love you.
I hate you so much… so much that I let the hatred consume everything that once made ‘me’.
…I loved you so much that I couldn’t continue on living without blaming you.
I want to destroy this body which you said you loved.
…Because I don’t have anything that reminds of you except myself….
I want to destroy my power, which you said you admired.
…Because despite all power I had I couldn’t stop you from leaving….
I want to destroy my soul, which once made mistake of loving you.
…Because I now know just how painful it is to lose you….
And so that when I die… when this dark flame of hatred finally kills me… I don’t want you to recognize me….
…Don’t look at my tainted soul that can never be cleansed again.
Forgive me….
