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By Zoe Sionnach

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I see him coming for me, eyes blazing as he brandishes the Ghostslayer before him. Feel the youki crackling in the air around me. Hear him howling "Die!!" as he hurtles towards me. I can only stare, mesmerized, unable to move or flee, at all those eyes, and feel time slow to a crawl as the blade strikes home…

…And hear my own horrified gasp as I watch the body slumping to the floor, crimson blood spreading over that pink uniform as Hiei pulls the sword from Kurama’s lifeless body. And know that I’ve failed, that after all that we went through with the Mirror I failed to save his life after all, that I can’t stop Hiei and now I’ve damned Keiko and Botan and gods only know who else to death or worse at his hands and I see him turn to me and raise the Ghostslayer and like a coward I hope he kills me quickly and I see him smirk and I know that this time there’ll be no rescue and then he lunges forward again and—

—I wake up, gasping and shuddering, the scream still ringing in my ears.

With a snort I haul myself out of bed and make my way to the bathroom, glad that Ofukuro isn’t home tonight. I glance in the mirror briefly before I move to splash cold water over my face, wishing that the water could cool my nerves as well. I try to will my heartbeat to slow to a reasonable level as I trudge back to the bedroom. I doubt I’ll get any sleep for the rest of the night.

It’s not as if I haven’t had nightmares about past battles before. I can’t count the number of times I’ve relived the last battle with Toguro Ototo—I don’t know how many times I’ve seen him strike Kuwabara down. There’s the battle with Suzaku, when I had to watch helplessly while his minions hunted Keiko and Botan down in the Ningenkai. How many times have I found ‘Baasanc rumpled in that clearing? Almost as many times as I’ve fought Gouki. I’ve relived my second death at Sensui’s hands over and over. The list goes on and on.

Why does this nightmare scare me more than any other?

It’s funny. I’d trust Hiei with my life now, but sometimes…sometimes I look at him and I see the smirking monster I fought a lifetime ago, the one who kidnapped Keiko and implanted her with a jagan. The arrogant bastard who beat the living hell out of me and nearly ran me through when I tried to save her. And if it weren’t for Kurama…

Maybe this bothers me so much because I came so close to losing Keiko, so soon after realizing how much she means to me. If it wasn’t for Keiko, I’d still be dead, a ghost wandering through the afterlife, watching the world change around me and unable to touch it. Hells, if it wasn’t for Keiko I might not have TRIED to come back. I never knew how strong our bond was until I saw her at my funeral. Seeing her hurt like that—because of ME—nearly tore my heart out. I never wanted to see her suffer again. And then when I DID come back, I nearly got her killed—on my first case! Some protector I am. I’m just thankful that she doesn’t seem to remember any of it. But would she tell me if she did? She tries so hard to be strong for everybody—her family, her friends, me… She’s never shy about telling me when I do something wrong, but this—this is different.

Does she have nightmares like I do?

I pad back to the kitchen to make some coffee. It won’t help me sleep, but I’m not sleeping tonight anyway and maybe the act of brewing the stuff will calm me down. Kurama told me once that brewing tea has that effect on him sometimes, so I figure it’s worth a try.

Kurama is the one person I DON’T want to think about right now. But he manages to lurk around the edges of my mind, anyway. Just like the thief he used to be, I note with a wry grin.

Keiko once called Kurama "a riddle wrapped in an enigma." She says she got the phrase from some gaijin book or other, but damned if it doesn’t fit him! I have never been able to figure him out in all the time I’ve known him. Gentle and serene, but fierce in battle—I replay the fight with Karasu in my mind with a shudder. A loving son and loyal friend, but a ruthless enemy who doesn’t think twice about betraying those who displease him—Yomi flashes across my mind’s eye. Calm and steady, but unpredictable and wild at the same time. A vibrant person who radiates life, but one who will throw his away without a second thought.

Which is the only reason Keiko and I are still here. It was Kurama who gave me the opening I needed, by throwing himself on Ghostslayer and blinding Hiei’s jagan with his own blood. Wounded as he was, he even helped Botan fight the effects of the jagan in Keiko while I fought Hiei for the antidote. Without him, Keiko and I would both be dead, and Hiei...well, who knows?

Why? Why throw your life away for a virtual stranger?

I asked him once. He just smiled and said that he was returning the favor to me, for saving his life when he used the Mirror of Utter Dark to save his mother. And that in a roundabout way, he was trying to save Hiei as well –from himself. Then he changed the subject—which he’s very, very good at doing. There’s another contradiction: he’s friendly, warm and open, and yet so guarded and private that nobody really knows him at all.

Of all of my teammates, Kurama scares me the most. Kuwabara and Hiei are fighters. Neither of them will give up no matter how bad the odds are. They both seem utterly convinced of their superiority in battle—neither of them willingly admits that an enemy may be stronger. Both of them have a mostly unshakable will to live, to win. Kurama has that too—although he’s more willing to concede an opponent’s strength and look for other ways to prevail—but there’s something else there behind that calm façade. He’s too willing to throw his life away to win. Utter Dark, Ghostslayer, Genbu, Karasu…It’s like he has a secret death wish that wars with his will to live. I’m terrified that one day his penchant for self-sacrifice will overcome his survival instinct.

And my terror terrifies me. I don’t understand why the thought of losing him is at least as unbearable as the thought of losing Keiko. Yes, I’d be devastated to lose a friend and teammate—and as team leader, I can’t stand the thought of seeing someone killed because I can’t lead my way out of a paper bag. But there’s more to it than that, something that flits around the back of my mind but doesn’t ever come into focus.

Is it guilt? I owe him so much. He saved my life, saved KEIKO’S life. Probably saved Botan’s too. He said he was trying to balance the scales, repay me for saving HIS life from the Mirror, but as far as I’m concerned that debt’s been more than paid. If anything, I owe him for his efforts on Keiko’s behalf. I’ll always owe him for that. And he barely knew me! Why did he risk his life for a stranger?

Why did I?

It’s not like I knew Kurama was telling me the truth about the Mirror. And I had no way of knowing that the Mirror wouldn’t kill us BOTH when I offered it part of my life force to save Kurama. He was supposed to be my enemy; I was supposed to recover the Mirror for the Reikai. I could have let the Mirror drain him and then returned it to Koenma without any effort. Of course, if I’d done that then I’d have been on my own against Hiei, but I didn’t know that Kurama was going to pull that stunt with the sword anyway. So why?

At the time I kept seeing Ofukuro wailing and crying at my wake, and I knew I didn’t want Kurama’s mother to go through the same thing, not so soon after almost dying herself. I knew Kurama didn’t want that either, but he was so focussed on saving his mother that he wasn’t thinking about afterward. That’s another thing that frightens me about him—he doesn’t let his emotions sway him as much as the rest of us do, but when he does he can’t see anything else. He doesn’t realize what effects his actions have on—on the rest of us.

So what effects do his actions have on me?

I admit there are times when I want to strangle him. For someone who’s been around as long as Kurama has, he sure gets careless sometimes. And it seems like he manages to get cut in almost every battle—Kuwabara told me that his sister thinks Kurama has magnets strategically placed in his body that attract every sword, knife or other bladed weapon in the vicinity, which I can certainly believe. Watching Kurama fight is an exercise in terror and frustration; after the fight with Karasu I had all I could do not to kill the beautiful idiot myself, as relieved as I was that he’d survived.

Wait a minute—WHAT did I just call him?

It’s not as if I haven’t noticed his looks; I distinctly remember being absolutely stunned the first time I saw him in his youko form. His human form is no less striking; whatever form he takes, Kurama always makes a hell of an impression. I’ve even seen Kuwabara staring on occasion, and the way Hiei looks at him I’m surprised Kurama hasn’t burst into flames. And I’ve heard the girls talking about him before—Shizuru has proclaimed that she wouldn’t throw him out of bed, (and we all teased him mercilessly about that for weeks,) and I’ve seen Keiko watching him sometimes when she thinks nobody’s looking. I’m not going to begrudge her that; sometimes I stare at him when nobody’s looking, too. We all do. I wonder if he notices…and I wonder how he could possibly NOT notice. Honestly, sometimes I think the only person oblivious to Kurama’s looks is Kurama himself.

And it’s not just his looks; he’s incredibly graceful when he moves. I know I feel like a clumsy oaf next to him; it’s hard not to. I’ve seen cats clumsier than Kurama. But for some reason, all that natural grace and balance never helps him in battle, where it should. I don’t get it. Does he WANT to die?

That last thought sends shivers down my spine as the nightmare image replays itself in my mind. I see him sliding limply to the floor again, blood everywhere, so much of it… I give myself a mental shake. Dwelling on such things does absolutely no good, I remind myself. Better to try to understand the reasons behind what I feel. That’s another bit of wisdom from Kurama; I hear his voice as I remember the words and it sends shivers of an entirely different sort rushing through my body and suddenly the "something" fluttering at the back of my mind comes into sharp painful focus and I nearly scald myself with the coffee as it does.

WHEN the hell did I start falling in love with him?

This is ridiculous! I can’t be in love with Kurama; I love KEIKO. Keiko with her warm brown hair and warmer brown eyes, with her strength and compassion and her sweet voice and musical laugh and her warmth and loyalty and—all right, I’ll say it—her gorgeous figure, Keiko who never wavered in her belief that I’d come back for her, Keiko who has always been there to see me through the good and bad times, who tries her best to make a good man out of me even if I don’t always appreciate it. Keiko who has suffered so much for my sake and loves and trusts me anyway. How could I even think of betraying her like this? I LOVE her! What could Kurama possibly offer me in her stead?

My treasonous brain begins to rattle off a list: strength, compassion, a husky voice and a musical laugh, loyalty and warmth tempered by pain and experience… TWO gorgeous figures…an irresistible undercurrent of wildness beneath that calm exterior…someone who is willing to die for those he loves…

But if it weren’t for Keiko, I wouldn’t be here—Keiko gave me my LIFE!

But Kurama saved my soul.

Not literally, not directly. But if Keiko had died that day in the warehouse, she would have taken me with her. Oh, I might have gone on living—assuming that I survived the battle with Hiei—but without Keiko I’d be a hollow shell. For me, life without Keiko is meaningless; I might just as well have died with her. Yeah, Botan was there too, but I’m not sure she could have continued to sustain Keiko on her own—and if Hiei had killed me, then there would have been no hope for her either. There was simply no way she could have defended herself and Keiko against him while trying to keep the Jagan from overwhelming Keiko. Without Keiko, I’d be dead. Without Kurama… Keiko, Botan, and I—and probably Hiei, too—wouldn’t be here. And I’d love him for that alone.

Love him. God, what now? Even if I knew that he loved me back, where does that leave Keiko? After all, you can’t turn feelings on and off like a faucet—and I still love her, more than life itself. How can I love them both like this? Can I really love Kurama the way I love Keiko? Do I really love him at all or is this just a passing crush? What if he doesn’t love me back? What if he DOES? What could I possibly tell Keiko? What am I going to do? The questions ricochet through my skull without leaving any easy answers in their wake.

Oh, Kurama…Keiko…I understand now. This dream scares me more than any other because it reminds me how easily I could lose you both, Keiko to outside forces and Kurama to his own self-destructiveness. And I can’t bear that –I owe you both too much. I can’t lose you—either of you. Even if I don’t quite know what I’m feeling, I know that.

Morning brings no more answers but I still feel a certain peace as I watch the sun stain the sky blood red. I’ve beaten the Ghostslayer; I cracked its code. I know what my nightmare was trying to tell me, and it doesn’t scare me so much now. And as the sunrise’s rosy glow gives way to a clear blue sky, I resolve to watch over them both: Keiko, who saved my life, and Kurama, who saved my soul. There’s still time to sort out my feelings for them; I’ll make sure of that.

Which means I’d better get some sleep now, because watching over only one of them is a full-time job.

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Owari!