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| CONTEMPLATIONS OF A CONFESSION | |||||||||||||||||
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Contemplation’s of a confession. By EMHamilton I take my moment, I gaze long and hard when I know I can. If she looks my way I know I’ll have to look away, but I am lucky she'll never look me in the eyes. Her attention always unfocused and wandered... much like my own when I’m with her. I think I know what so say, but I don't. I can only write it, and I know it's preferred that way for sanity’s sake. To say it would be so much more……. say anything, say what though? I never truly tell myself today! Today I will say it; today I will stop reconsidering. You can't do it that way, I can't. So she finally looks my way, and she smiles that smile. Only the way that she can, so I smile back slightly, trying not to look too hard. All misunderstood in my mind, moulded into what I want it to be. It's nothing to her, she's unaffected and carries on. I listen to every word she says, and pretend to find fascination within the skies as another voice replies to her musings. She laugh's and I feel like a lovesick teenager when I realise I’m not laughing with her. Pathetic jealousy racing through my veins. I've missed the joke! Why her I ask? Why not anyone else? Why does it hurt so much? But when I look up at her one more time I don't care anymore. All question can’t be left answered, but this one is better left an open gate. It's that hour now.... When it's neither night nor day, just in between. It's that time of day at which I reside, in which I’m a member fully. It's that hour of contemplation. The day can only go one way, but I will fall either way. Wishing for it to darken so she can't see me anymore when I soak her in. We talk for a while, lingering on every word I enjoy it for what it's worth. I know I have reached deep into her soul with a bare hand, and I give mine whenever I can in return. It feels free and released only when I confide in her, all but this. For this moment I live forever, I‘m immortal within her presence. They knew that I hadn't come, and I couldn't lie about it. My meaningless words far stronger than I can cover. So I confess to myself, I cheated it! Made it a ridicule! Mocked its purity with my beliefs. Did I think I could fool them, could I have blinded them with the hollowness? Filled the void with hopes, my hopes. I faltered at the point where imagination overcame sanity and truth. So I can't bear to face the ink of my confessions, no matter how subverted and changed from what I mean to say, and what I really want. So how can I bear this ink? Perhaps because it’s the only truth……. I've never been filled; I don't know how a soul joins. How the pieces fit together how long it takes to find those pieces. So why did I think I could pretend that I had? Did I think I found the piece that fits? I know that she might fit, but I will never fit her. And so I remain broken and inapt. Selfishness is a flaw of mine that I always tempt into. Is it pity? Do I want her's? NO! Rage is filling inside like pure liquid pressure in a bottle ready to burst. I don't want to explode, I want to hold it in forever... and just know her forever. If it pours from me, she will drown for sure, and the waters will carry her away. Too far for me to reach her again. So why am I not happy with her now, with what we are now, even though we can be nothing more. The dim lights of the streets pour out again. The perfect bronzed shadows flame at us in the puddles. It's a stroll, and I know that this is why I will always hide and lie to her. Without this I am nothing. I don't need to look at her; it's not her face I love. I crave her soul! The beauty that draws me is far deeper. So why did I feel something before I even knew her name? Why did I want to know her? When mentioned by another why did I know who she was just by the sound of her. Now I can hear that sound always. It echo's through my mind like a chime, and as it ticks away I know I grow closer and our friendship grows stronger. Yet so weak I will break it for sanity’s sake within moments. Why I am afraid?... what of? .....of her? .....of rejection?..... of sexuality? I'm going to lose my friend, for something that I know that can never be, and I trust her so, but she'll never trust me again. I know she will reject me, I’ve grown to acknowledge that, but I need her to break my heart. So that I can carry on, but I want to stay confused and manipulated within her ways a little longer, even though she doesn't know it. Sexuality? I will never truly be able to answer that, for I’ve never even considered another. I can't even find beauty in another woman, men I’ve always loved, but women never..... then how her? and why only her? | |||||||||||||||||
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